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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27624470">The Neighbor</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/romance_goddess/pseuds/romance_goddess'>romance_goddess</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Marianas Trench (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Explicit Language, F/F, F/M, Graphic Description, Romance, Sex</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 16:47:17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>21,447</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27624470</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/romance_goddess/pseuds/romance_goddess</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>What happens when Eleanor, a young, simple University professor moves across the hall from the lead singer of her favorite band?</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Josh Ramsay/Original Character(s), Josh Ramsay/Original Female Character(s)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I'm putting this disclaimer just because I want to save face. This is a work of fiction that takes place in the current time starting in 2018. This is an alternate reality where the characters, who may be married in real life, are not currently married. This is not to disrespect any of the spouses of Marianas Trench. This is merely fan fiction and nothing more.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Nobody ever really tells you how difficult it is to move. I had help when I was packing everything into the moving truck, but nobody was available to help me unload the moving truck. My girlfriend, Leanne, was supposed to help me, but she had to bail last minute because she got called into work. “I’m on baby time,” she would always say to me. Sometimes dating a doctor was annoying, but I loved her anyway.</p><p>I started moving the little things by myself, but I had resigned myself to the fact that I wouldn’t be able to move the heavy things upstairs until I had help. Thankfully, the building that I moved into had an elevator.</p><p>Admittedly, I was listening to music and singing pretty loudly as I brought the first items to my apartment. I wanted the process to be as fun and easy as I could make it. As I walked into my apartment, I belted the chorus to the song, “You could just shut up. Shut up and kiss me. Shut up. Shut up and kiss me. Say you won’t. You could tell me no. You could let me go. Maybe if you don’t then just shut up. Shut up and kiss me.”</p><p>“You sound almost as good as I do.” The voice behind me made me jump and turn around.</p><p>“Jesus fuck-” I was cut off after facing the figure in my doorway. Josh Ramsay, the lead singer of Marianas Trench, stood before me. I tentatively pulled out a headphone. “Why are you standing in my doorway like a creep?”</p><p>“I was trying to figure out who the fuck was singing loud enough for the whole building to hear them. Good song choice by the way.”</p><p>“Thanks. My phone is just on shuffle.”</p><p>“Are you doing this alone?”</p><p>“Yea. My girlfriend bailed on me, so I’m stuck with finishing alone.”</p><p>“I’ll help you if you stop singing at the top of your lungs.”</p><p>“I can’t make that promise. The music is just so good,” I paused to see what song was playing. After realizing what song it was, I started singing again. “Try a little more, little more, little more. They slap you like a bitch and you take it like a whore.”</p><p>“Please stop. How do I turn it off.” I busted out into a fit of giggles at his discomfort. </p><p>“I’ll quiet down.”</p><p>After several more trips down to the moving truck, I realized that I had never introduced myself. Josh came in with the last box. “All that’s left is the big furniture.”</p><p>“I realized that I never introduced myself. I’m Eleanor. You can call me Elle, Ella, Eleanor. Ellie is off-limits. Only my girlfriend can call me Ellie.”</p><p>“I’m Josh,” he paused, “I’m pretty sure you already knew that.”</p><p>“I did,” I laughed. “I don’t think the two of us can move the big furniture alone.”</p><p>“I can make a few calls.”</p><p>Josh disappeared into his apartment across the hall so I started putting away kitchen utensils and cookware. I completely finished the kitchen and started preparing to hang things in the living room. Josh still wasn’t back yet, so I kept working to keep myself occupied. I even changed into one of my Marianas Trench band shirts as a joke. I chose one from their Ever After tour. It featured Josh as a jack-in-the-box and Matt, Mike, and Ian as toy soldiers.</p><p>More than an hour later, Josh returned with the whole band. “I heard you needed help moving big things? We are kinda pros at moving large items.” Mike flexed.</p><p>“I don’t know what I expected when Josh disappeared on the phone, but this definitely wasn’t it. I feel like I’m in a dream right now.”</p><p>“Nice shirt,” Ian joked. </p><p>“You like? It’s from the first time I saw you guys in concert like 8 years ago. I am for real starstruck right now. I can’t believe the entirety of Marianas Trench is in my apartment offering to help me move.”</p><p>“Well, Josh said there was a cute damsel in distress, so naturally we had to come see what the fuss was about,” Mike laughed.</p><p>Josh shot daggers straight into the side of Mike’s head. “He’s joking,” he said through gritted teeth. </p><p>“Well, let’s get to work then.”</p><p>We went down to the moving truck together and started moving the leftover large furniture items like the couch, bed, and dresser. They even offered to help me put some things together.</p><p>After the truck was emptied, it was already dark outside. “I’m sorry for taking up your day. I didn’t expect it to take as long as it did,” I apologized profusely to the guys for wasting their day.</p><p>They all assured me that they had a blast and that it wasn’t a waste of their days at all. They were glad to have helped a new friend.</p><p>While we put the finishing touches on certain things, Josh secretly ordered pizzas for us. I was pleasantly surprised when it showed up at my apartment door. </p><p>We all sat around my little coffee table and ate pizza straight out of the box. They insisted that they didn’t want to dirty any of my freshly put away dishes. I didn’t argue. </p><p>They asked a little bit about me, which I didn’t mind one bit. </p><p>“Well, I moved to the area for a couple of reasons. The main one being the job offer I received from the university nearby. I start teaching a couple of English classes at the end of August.”</p><p>“What’s the other reason? Stalking Josh.”</p><p>I felt my face turn hot. “No, that was totally a coincidence,” I sounded way more defensive than I meant to. “My girlfriend, Leanne, lives about a block away from here. We weren’t ready to commit to moving in together yet, but we still wanted to be closer. We’ve been together a little over two years, but we’ve always lived a few hours apart. It’s going to be a new experience getting to see my girlfriend whenever I want to.” I paused for a moment. “If you guys are free, do you want to come to at some point? It’s the least I can do to thank you for helping me today. You can even meet Leanne.”</p><p>The four guys exchanged looks before all agreeing to dinner in a couple of weeks. They wanted to give me time to settle in.</p><p>After finishing off most of the pizza, the guys decided to head out. They had lives outside of Marianas Trench that they needed to tend to.</p><p>Josh was the last to leave because he wanted to offer his congratulations on my new job and welcome me to the area. </p><p>“I guess I’ll be seeing you around a lot then. Try not to drool over me every time you see me.”</p><p>I stuck my tongue out and pushed him out the door.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Two weeks later, Leanne wasn’t exactly thrilled with the idea of four relatively strange men coming to my apartment for dinner, but she could tell how excited I was, so she didn’t make a big stink about it.</p><p>I was finally fully moved in, so I didn’t have much cleaning or preparation to do before they came over.</p><p>I let the guys know the day before that there was no specific dress code, just not to come over looking like slobs. Dinner wasn’t going to be anything fancy: spaghetti, salad, and garlic bread. Although I was able to get by feeding myself, I was by no means a good cook. Spaghetti was one of like five dishes that I could make without a microwave or crockpot.</p><p>At seven pm on the dot, there was a knock at my door. I wasn’t surprised to see Josh standing there in a black button-up shirt and black jeans. He lived six feet away, so I fully expected him to be first.</p><p>I suddenly felt underdressed in my blue jeans and random t-shirt that I pulled randomly out of one of my drawers.</p><p>“Who died,” Leanne asked curtly from behind me. </p><p>“I know you said no dress code, but I wanted to make a good impression on your girlfriend.” Josh handed me a bottle of wine and stepped inside.</p><p>I closed the door and pretended to inspect the bottle (I didn’t know anything about wine) as Josh walked up to Leanne. “I’m Josh, Eleanor’s neighbor across the hall and apparently a member of her favorite band.”</p><p>Leanne didn’t have any feelings one way or the other about Marianas Trench. She always tolerated when I would put them on, but she didn’t go out of her way to listen to them on her own. “Yea, I know who you are. Kinda hard not to when your girlfriend is a bit obsessed. I probably know the music as well as she does at this point.”</p><p>“Oh, do you enjoy it?”</p><p>“It’s not my cup of tea, but it’s not bad. I don’t really have strong feelings one way or another.”</p><p>“That’s cool. I respect it. I understand that we can’t be everyone’s favorite band. I wouldn’t want to be anybody’s favorite band if I’m being honest. We’re just four dudes who play music. I appreciate your honesty though.”</p><p>Just then, there was another knock at the door. As I opened it, I saw all of the other guys standing there. They were dressed normally in varying shades of blue jeans and t-shirts.</p><p>“What, did you guys all drive together?”</p><p>“That’s exactly what we did,” Mike pushed past me. </p><p>Ian handed me another bottle of red wine as he walked in.</p><p>Matt just smiled and nodded.</p><p>They all flocked to Leanne like she was a new toy.</p><p>“I’m great, thanks for asking,” I sarcastically called after them. “Dinner is nearly ready. Just a couple of things to finish up.”</p><p>I closed the door and walked past them to the kitchen.</p><p>To my surprise, Josh joined me in the kitchen offering to help. I handed him plates and silverware to set out in front of each of the six spots. My dining room table normally sat four, but Leanne brought over two chairs so that we would be able to fit six.</p><p>As Josh set out the plates and silverware, I followed with bowls for the salads and wine glasses. I figured we could use one of the bottles of wine that Josh and Ian brought.</p><p>The timer dinged, signaling that the garlic bread was finished. That was the last thing we were waiting for, so now, everything was ready. Josh continued to help set the table by taking the pot of spaghetti out while I carried the bowl of salad. I went back and pulled the garlic bread out and took it immediately to the table. While I carried the hot tray, Josh took a piece and put it on everyone’s plate. I made a few more than six pieces just in case anybody wanted extra bread. </p><p>Matt, Mike, and Ian were still standing around Leanne. I could tell she was starting to loosen up around them which made me happy. </p><p>“Let’s eat!” I announced after putting the last of the dirty dishes in the sink.</p><p>Everyone tried to find the best seat at the table. Leanne and I sat side by side with our backs to the far wall. Josh and Matt sat at the two ends of the table, and Mike and Ian sat across from me and Leanne respectively. </p><p>I felt so fortunate that the conversation didn’t lull while we ate. The guys seemed genuinely interested in getting to know me and Leanne. </p><p>I think they found her line of work to be the most interesting topic of conversation.</p><p>“So, you’re a lesbian who spends her days between women’s legs? That sounds like a dream.” Ian joked. </p><p>“I mean, you can put it like that if you want to, but it’s not all sunshines and rainbows. Some women don’t clean very well.”</p><p>This conversation probably looks strange to someone who doesn’t know what’s happening. Leanne is an OB/Gyn. Basically, she’s a doctor who takes care of the female reproductive system. She also attends births. She plays catcher for newborn babies. When she would get called in to work, she would always say to me, “I’m on baby time, remember?” How could I forget when “baby time” is every second of every day.</p><p>“You also probably wouldn’t like vaginas after seeing a few hundred stretched to the size of a bagel with a baby’s head coming out.”</p><p>“How does it work being a lesbian then?”</p><p>“I try to avoid eye contact with the genitals during sexy times.”</p><p>This is where I decided to chime in. “This is where I stop this conversation. We’re veering too close into discussing our sex life, I’m just not comfortable with people knowing about that.”</p><p>Leanne leaned close to me and whispered, albeit pretty loudly, “You don’t want them to hear about how I make you cum so hard that you can’t walk?”</p><p>Based on the looks of the guys’ faces, they definitely heard that. I quickly steered the conversation away. “So, are you guys working on any new music?”</p><p>“Always,” Mike said, “we never stop working on new music.”</p><p>“We won’t be revealing anything if that’s what you want,” Ian joked.</p><p>I chuckled. “No, I would never ask you guys to sing for me. I know that you need a break from being Marianas Trench. I want you guys to just be Matt, Mike, Ian, and Josh with me. I won’t say no to you guys voluntarily serenading me, but I won’t ever ask for it.” I laughed again. </p><p>“Good because you couldn’t get anything out of us if you tried,” Matt pointed at me. </p><p>When the topic of music came up, Leanne disengaged from the conversation and continuously checked her phone. I pretended not to see it, but it was happening right next to me. </p><p>“I wasn’t trying to get anything out of you. I was just trying to change the topic to something else, but if you guys want to keep hearing about babies coming out of bleeding, ripped vaginas then by all means, go for it.”</p><p>“They don’t always rip,” Leanne chimed in.</p><p>“I was just trying to make the topic of childbirth and vaginas sound unappealing so that we could stop talking about it over dinner.”</p><p>Almost as if on cue, Leanne’s phone chimed, and she jumped up. “I’ve gotta go. I run on-”</p><p>“-baby time. Yea, I know.” </p><p>I watched as Leanne walked out of my apartment totally unapologetic that she just ruined everything. </p><p>I stood up from the table. “You guys can leave whenever you’re ready. I need to go lie down. Don’t bother with the mess. I’ll take care of it later.” I quickly walked out of the room while fighting back tears. I fell onto my bed and started sobbing.</p><p>Was it just too much to expect Leanne to respect my time just for once? I just wanted a few hours of her time dedicated to me and our relationship. It felt like she didn’t even try to find time off of work. If anything, it’s like she wanted to work more hours. In the two weeks since I had moved in, I had spent a collective three hours with her. She was always finding a reason to leave.</p><p>My energy was depleted after all of the social interaction and the hurt feelings I was experiencing. I ended up just falling asleep in my jeans.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>CW/TW: brief mention of rough sex. No explicit material (yet), but there is a brief mention and short description of rough sex between two characters</p><p>See if you can spot any references to any MT songs in this chapter. There is definitely one explicit one and one that can be easily missed.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I woke up a few hours later wanting to forget the events that had occurred.</p><p>I groaned as I remembered the mess on the table and in the kitchen. I knew I couldn’t just leave it sitting out, so I got out of bed and changed into some loose-fitting shorts and a tank top. If I was going to clean my apartment, I would be doing so comfortably.</p><p>When I exited my room, I was shocked to see that the table was cleared. I walked into the kitchen and found that all of the dishes were cleaned and put away. My heart swelled. I was so grateful for the guys.</p><p>I walked out of the kitchen. “Jesus fuck!” I nearly jumped out of my skin when I saw a figure sitting on my couch. “You are making a bad habit of scaring the ever-loving shit out of me.”</p><p>Josh smiled. “I’d apologize but seeing you jump and swear is pretty funny.”</p><p>“Why are you in my apartment?”</p><p>“I wanted to make sure you were okay. You seemed pretty upset when you left dinner.”</p><p>I walked over to the couch and sat next to Josh. We sat so close that we were almost touching but not quite. “I’ve lived here for two weeks and Leanne is already making excuses not to be near me. She ‘runs on baby time’ which is beginning to feel like every minute of every day, and it makes me feel guilty that I want more time with her. She unknowingly always makes me feel like by wanting time with her, I’m taking away from people in need. I’m starting to regret moving closer to her because I feel like my expectations were too high.”</p><p>“You should start focusing on your own work. Try to take your mind off of thinking about Leanne too much. I’m available to keep you company. I live just across the hall.”</p><p>“It’s just hard when she doesn’t even realize or care that she ruins important things like moving or dinner with some important people, and I have a feeling that this is just the start to a long list of heartbreaks she’s going to cause me.”</p><p>“Then, I can be here to help pick up the pieces when she does, but Elle, don’t you think that you shouldn’t put up with that?”</p><p>“I guess I’m holding out hope that she won’t do that. We’ve been together for too long for me to just throw it away over a feeling. I feel obligated to give her the benefit of the doubt.”</p><p>“You do what feels right for you. I’ll still be here and be your friend.”</p><p>I leaned into him as a sign of affection and thanks for being there for me. “Oh! Thank you guys so much for cleaning up for me. That was really sweet.”</p><p>“That was all me. The others left awkwardly after you disappeared into your room.”</p><p>I lightly kissed his cheek. “It was really sweet and it means a lot.” I leaned away from him uncomfortably. Things got a little too cozy. “Want to watch a movie?”</p><p>“Sure.”</p><p>I turned the TV onto Netflix and picked a random movie. It seemed funny enough. Josh and I chuckled a few times throughout.</p><p>Right in time for the credits to roll, Leanne walked in. “Josh...you’re still here,” she sounded less than thrilled at this.</p><p>“Yea. I wanted to keep Eleanor company. She seemed a little upset when you walked out during dinner,” Josh sneered at Leanne.</p><p>“A woman went into labor. Would you prefer it if no doctor was present? Because then, she would have died. Her blood pressure bottomed out and I had to perform an emergency c-section.”</p><p>I shot Josh a look of “I told you so,” and I could see that he was visibly angry.</p><p>He got up off of the couch. “I’ll see you later, Elle.”</p><p>I waved a small wave as he walked out.</p><p>Leanne closed the door behind him and turned to me. “You told him our business?”</p><p>“I didn’t tell him anything,” I lied, “I couldn’t help but be upset when my girlfriend left in the middle of the dinner I planned and made so that I could introduce you to some people who are important to me. Josh stayed to make sure I was okay.”</p><p>“I’m sorry that I walked out on dinner, but you know-”</p><p>“Yea, I know you run on baby time. The same excuse for everything.”</p><p>She threw her stuff on the floor and came over to me. She looked furious. She put a hand around my throat and bent down to kiss me. Next thing I knew, she was on top of me holding me down. She ripped off both of our clothes. We ended up having some rough, angry sex.</p><p>I was slightly less upset with her after having multiple orgasms.</p><p>Unfortunately, this began a cycle. For nearly a month, she would cancel plans, so Josh would come over and pick up the pieces. She would show up hours later and have sex with me as an apology.</p><p>This stopped once classes started at the university in August. I became too busy with grading assignments and attending office hours. Pretty soon, I became the one who was canceling plans.</p><p>Josh would still visit me, but our visits were spent more in silence than anything else. He was working on new music and I was grading assignments or responding to emails. </p><p>One Sunday in early September, Josh walked into my apartment without knocking as he often did. We didn’t really have any boundaries. I had a feeling that was going to become a problem one day.</p><p>“I need help.”<br/>“I can try,” I got up from the couch, “Where’s the body?”</p><p>Josh’s improv skills were immaculate. “It’s actually in my bathtub. Do you think you could help me move it?”</p><p>I sucked a breath in through my teeth. “It depends on how big it is. I’m not a very strong person.” We both busted out into fits of laughter.</p><p>“I do actually need help. You’re a writer right?”</p><p>“Kind of. I mostly teach writing. I’ve never published anything. I’m certainly not a songwriter if that’s where this is going.”</p><p>“We’re just stuck on this one song. I want to use a woman’s name, but nothing sounds right.”<br/>I went to get a pencil and paper for us to brainstorm.</p><p>When I returned, I gestured for him to sit on the couch. I sat on the opposite end and put my feet in his lap. I thought for a brief moment that we were getting a little too close, but I pushed it away.</p><p>For more than an hour, we went through different female names. He struck down every name that I suggested. I even suggested Leanne as a joke, but he struck that down before he even thought about it.</p><p>Finally, he went wide-eyed. “Eleanor.”</p><p>“Yes?”</p><p>“No, your name, Eleanor.” He hummed to himself then frowned. “Nevermind.”</p><p>I even went as far as to pull out my phone and use google. I looked up a list of 1,000 female animes and read them to him in a random order, but he kept coming back to Eleanor. I heavily protested. I didn’t want to be the inspiration for one of his songs. I especially didn’t want to be in the song.</p><p>He jumped up. “I’ve got it. Thanks, Elle.”</p><p>I watched dumbfounded as he ran out of my door and closed it behind him.</p><p>I didn’t know what his plan was, but I wasn’t going to be thrilled if it involved me or the use of my name.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>TW/CW: brief graphic description of sex between two women</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I hadn’t seen or spoken to Josh since he bolted out of my apartment with his seemingly brilliant idea.</p><p>To occupy my free time, I made friends with some other English professors from the university. We were all about the same age which was nice. The older professors hated the younger, Millennial professors.</p><p>I invited a few of the professors I really liked over for drinks one weekend. We mostly discussed students that we shared and other professors that we didn’t like.</p><p>“Maryanne always looks like she’s got a stick up her ass,” Craig, a literature professor, joked.</p><p>“I think you mean Doctor White,” Lisa emphasized the word Doctor, “You know how she is about being referred to as anything besides Dr. White.”</p><p>“She’s not here, is she?” Craig laughed.</p><p>“I’ve only worked there for a month and she already hates me,” I chuckled.</p><p>“She hates everyone under the age of forty. Don’t take it to heart,” Dani stated matter-of-factly.</p><p>We continued to talk and make fun of other professors. We were laughing so hard when my door flew open and Josh stood there. Upon seeing that I had company, he quickly closed the door once more.</p><p>“Who was that? He’s cute.”</p><p>“Craig, you are so gay,” Dani joked.</p><p>“Clearly not gay enough,” Lisa poked Craig, “Do you know who that is?” Craig and Dani shook their heads. “That was Josh Ramsay, lead singer of Marianas Trench.” Craig and Dani still had no idea who he was. “You didn’t tell me you know Josh Ramsay.”</p><p>“He’s my neighbor. I didn’t tell anyone for this reason. He deserves his privacy.”</p><p>“You are so lucky. He’s so hot.”</p><p>“I hadn’t noticed,” I joked, “Besides, I have a girlfriend. I am off-limits, even to Josh Ramsay.”</p><p>We spent a few more hours hanging out before everyone left.</p><p>It was late, so I locked my door and went to bed.</p><p>The next day, I woke up later, so I got up quickly, made something to eat, and started grading papers.</p><p>Hours passed before I decided to take a break.</p><p>I was feeling quite a bit in the mood, so I sent Leanne a sexy text asking her to come over. Within seconds, I got a reply that she was coming.</p><p>I changed into some sexy, revealing lingerie, grabbed a few sex toys, and headed into the living room. I laid the toys out on the table and went to unlock my door. I had an idea and I wanted her to just walk in.</p><p>A few minutes later, I heard footsteps in the hallway, so I grabbed one of the vibrating toys and started playing with myself. </p><p>As the doorknob turned, I closed my eyes in pleasure. The door opened, but there was silence. “Are you going to come help me with this or just stand there watching?”</p><p>There was no response, so I opened my eyes. Josh stood there wide-eyed looking mortified. <br/>In a panic, I threw the still-vibrating toy on the table and fumbled with something to cover up with. “Get out! For fucks sake!”</p><p>Josh nearly fell over himself as he ran out and slammed the door.</p><p>I sat there holding a pillow as the toy continued to buzz on the table for several more minutes before Leanne finally walked in.</p><p>“Why do you look like that?”</p><p>“Where were you,” I nearly shouted.</p><p>“I walked instead of driving so that the tension would build. Why? Did something happen?”</p><p>“Josh walked in on me playing with a toy with my vag all out.” Leanne began laughing uncontrollably. “I thought you were about to walk in, so I tried to be sexy. Imagine my unpleasant surprise when it’s not you, but Josh, standing in my doorway.” She nearly collapsed from laughing so hard. “Could you close the door? I’m nearly naked here.”</p><p>She stepped all the way in and closed the door. “That would explain the toy buzzing around the table.”</p><p>“I threw it down in a panic. I forgot to turn it off.”</p><p>She walked over to me and held out her hand. As I took it, She pulled me up and said, “If Mr. Ramsay wants a show, let’s give him one.” She led me over to the door. Suddenly, she shoved me into it and began to kiss me roughly. </p><p>She took no time in getting me naked.</p><p>After a few moments, she asked me to turn around and face the door. After I complied, she bent me over. I didn’t know what her plan was, so I was blindly trusting what she wanted me to do.</p><p>Unexpectedly, I was penetrated by a strap-on that I didn’t even know she had on. She must’ve worn it over to surprise me.</p><p>I gasped as she grabbed my hips and thrust into me a second time.</p><p>“Come on. Fuck me.”</p><p>“I’m sorry?”</p><p>“Fuck me,” I said a little louder.</p><p>“One more time.”</p><p>“Fuck me, now!” I practically yelled. My face was pressed against the door, so I know that other people could definitely hear me.</p><p>She held my hips tightly as she fucked me hard and fast. It took almost no time for me to start moaning for her. “You can do better than that,” she joked breathlessly. She started fucking me as fast as she could. </p><p>As I got closer to my climax, my knees started to give out. Leanne practically had to hold me up. My whole body tensed as the orgasm sent waves through my body. </p><p>Although I was normally pretty loud when I had an orgasm, I tried to play it up a little bit this time. Leanne thought it would be happy to tease Josh, so I happily obliged.</p><p>I did, however, end up collapsing to the floor once I was finished. My body was overloaded with pleasure.</p><p>I rolled onto my back, and Leanne was still standing over me. “Can we do that again but down here?”</p><p>Leanne laughed and joined me on the floor. “Round two already?”</p><p>“Round two, and make me cum like that again.”</p><p>She kissed me and positioned herself to fuck me again.</p><p>Just then, her phone started to ring. She dropped her head in defeat and sighed.</p><p>I frowned. “Let me guess, baby time?” I said flatly.</p><p>“Yes, I’m so sorry, love.”</p><p>I pushed her off of me and got up. “Thanks for coming over, I guess.” I walked away and went to take a shower.</p><p>I heard the door close as I turned the water on.</p><p>Was it too much to ask for one good day with no work-related interruptions?</p><p>I took a quick shower because I wanted to go over and talk to Josh about setting some boundaries.</p><p>After I stepped out of the shower, I quickly toweled off and changed into a t-shirt and jeans.<br/>In an act of revenge, I stormed over to Josh’s apartment and walked in without knocking as he always did to me. “Where are you, Ramsay,” I muttered under my breath when I didn’t immediately see him.</p><p>I greeted Bennie, Josh’s black lab, with a few pats as I closed the door behind me. “Where’s you dad,” I whispered to her.</p><p>I walked over to his bedroom door and threw it open. “Ramsay!”</p><p>I stood there in shock as I realized that I caught him in the same compromising position that he had found me in earlier. I made eye contact with him and quickly turned to run out.</p><p>“Oh, shit. Elle!” I heard him call from behind me.</p><p>I ran into my apartment and slammed the door behind me.</p><p>Seconds later, Josh was frantically pounding on my door.</p><p>I opened the door slowly and avoided eye contact.</p><p>“Can I come in?” I stepped aside to let him in. He went over and took a seat on the couch. “Can we just agree to forget the events of today?”</p><p>I continued standing in order to keep my distance. “I’m not sure I can do that, Josh. We both got an uncomfortable look at each other’s genitals today.”</p><p>“I know. I’m sorry.”</p><p>“I think we just need a few boundaries. We are a little too comfortable with each other.”</p><p>“Agreed.”</p><p>“From now on, we only enter each other’s apartment after knocking and being explicitly invited in by the other person.”</p><p>“Agreed. We should also probably be better about locking our doors in general. Leaving them unlocked isn’t very safe.”</p><p>“Agreed.”</p><p>There was silence for at least a full minute.</p><p>I walked over and sat next to Josh, leaving a couple of feet between us when he suddenly jumped up. “I have something to show you. That’s why I keep breaking in. Do you have a CD player?”<br/>I laughed at the notion that he was breaking into my apartment. “My laptop might. It’s 2018. Who still uses CDs?”</p><p>“Me. Sometimes. I usually use flash drives but a CD is a better gift.” He quickly ran to his apartment.</p><p>While he was gone, I went to get my laptop. Luckily for Josh, it was an older model, so it still had a CD player. </p><p>When he came back, we took our places back on the couch. He handed me a disc that just had one word written on it: Eleanora. “I technically shouldn’t be showing you this, but you inspired it, so I made the executive decision that it’s okay.”</p><p>I put the disc in my computer. “You better have not written a dumb song about me.” I hesitantly pressed play.</p><p>There were a few seconds of silence before I was greeted by four voices singing four-part harmony in acapella. Josh’s voice was the most prominent because it carried the melody, but I could easily hear the other three voices harmonizing. The sound was beautiful and haunting.</p><p>When I heard the first use of my name, I looked over at Josh. “Eleanora, please be here,” the voices sang.</p><p>The song was relatively short, but it ended on an incredibly harmonized, “Eleanora.”</p><p>After the song ended, I stared at Josh awestruck.</p><p>"I know it’s not exactly your name, and I know you didn’t want to be in a song, but I really loved the way it sounded. Please don’t hate it. We worked really hard-”</p><p>I cut off his rambling. “I love it. It’s so beautiful, Josh. Thank you.” I scooted closer to hug him. </p><p>The hug ended pretty quickly, but my body seemed to act faster than my mind. I was suddenly in Josh’s lap kissing him with my fingers tangled in his blond hair. </p><p>It was several seconds before my brain caught up and I quickly climbed out of Josh’s lap. I stared down at him shocked by what I had done.</p><p>“You should go.”</p><p>He jumped up. “Yep. I’m going.”</p><p>The door closed behind him, and although I knew I should feel guilty about kissing him, I didn’t. Kissing Josh was the most loved I felt in nearly four months. It’s not like Leanne really showed me any love. She fucked me when she felt guilty about abandoning me. We hadn’t spent any real quality time together since I moved in.</p><p>Was I catching feelings for Josh?</p>
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<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Short filler chapter because the next chapter gets juicy.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Josh and I seemed to be actively avoiding each other. We hadn’t even so much as passed each other in the hallway since our kiss.</p><p>I was beginning to miss the time we spent together, but it was for the best because it would be unfair to all of us, Leanne included, if Josh and I continued to spend time alone.</p><p>However, things were getting worse with Leanne. In the past few months, I could at least make plans with her or see her for a few minutes before she ditched me. Recently, it felt as if she was avoiding me too. Several times, she didn’t even answer the phone when I called or texted.</p><p>I still had my friends at the university, of course, but we were all overwhelmed with midterms coming up. We would always inevitably end up talking about work and exams. They were no use to me when it came to trying to deal with Josh or Leanne drama.</p><p>I was starting to feel pretty lonely and abandoned come mid. October. I felt like I had next to no one at this time, Even the rest of the guys, Mike, Ian, and Matt, were too busy working on music with Josh.</p><p>I sat home alone most nights making teaching plans and grading assignments.</p><p>One night, I even spent several hours looking at cats to adopt because having a cat to take care of would ease some of my loneliness. I gave up on those dreams quickly upon realizing that I could barely take care of myself half the time.</p><p>A few nights later, there was a knock at my door. </p><p>I wasn’t expecting company, so I hesitated to open it.</p><p>“It’s me, Elle, Josh called out, “I brought pizza.” I opened the door to see Josh standing there holding a pizza. “Can I come in?”</p><p>I paused for a moment. “God, yes. Do you know how lonely I’ve been? We haven’t talked in a month. A MONTH! Joshua Ramsay, do you know how long a month is?”</p><p>“A long time?”</p><p>”A very long time. Please come inside. I need human interaction that isn’t work-related. I’ve had nobody to vent to properly.” I led him over to the couch.</p><p>“What happened to your work friends?”</p><p>“Midterms. We may not be the ones taking the midterms, but preparing our students for, writing, and grading midterms is stressful. We all ultimately end up talking about how stressed we are. They’re no help. They also don’t know about the whole Leanne situation like you do.”</p><p>“How’s that going, by the way?”</p><p>“Bad. Very bad. Do you know how miserable it is when your best friend and your girlfriend aren’t talking to you at the same time?”</p><p>“Aw. I’m your best friend?” Josh pouted and gave puppy dog eyes.</p><p>“Of course you are. We practically spend every day together. Well, we did before you abandoned me.”</p><p>“I’ve been busy writing and making an album.” I shot him a look. “Fine. I was abandoning you too, but I really was working on an album.”</p><p>“A new album?!” I sounded way too excited.</p><p>“Yes, and I won’t talk about it so don’t ask.”</p><p>I frowned at him. “Fine.”</p><p>“In general though, I may be around less because of the album. We’re really killing it in the studio.”</p><p>“I can’t wait. I think you forget that I’m also still a huge Marianas Trench fan. I try not to talk about it because I want to get to know Josh Ramsay, the person, not just Josh Ramsay, the rockstar.”</p><p>“I appreciate that. I am a human first.”</p><p>We sat in silence for several minutes eating our pizza. I loved that we could sit in silence comfortably. </p><p>“How’s the Leanne thing going? You mentioned earlier that she’s not talking to you but you didn't go into detail.”</p><p>“Kind of. She hardly picks up the phone when I call recently. I haven’t even seen her since the last time I saw you. It seems like she’s working 24/7.”</p><p>“Elle…”</p><p>“I know. I deserve better than this. I just keep giving her the benefit of the doubt. We’ve been together for over two years, Josh. I can’t just leave her.”</p><p>“Eleanor, you deserve so much better than this. You shouldn’t let her treat you like this.”</p><p>“I know.” And, I did know. I knew that the way Leanne was treating me wasn’t right, but I was too scared to be alone. I moved there to be with her. Two years is a long time to be with someone. I wasn’t ready to let her go no matter how much pain she was causing me.</p><p>I could see that Josh was upset with me, and I understood why. I was letting myself get hurt, and he was watching it happen. He hated what I was doing.</p><p>Josh stayed for a few hours after we finished eating so that we could catch up. A month really is a long time to go without talking. I kept subtly trying to get information out about the new music, but he wouldn’t budge.</p><p>When he left, things in my life were finally starting to feel normal again because I had my best friend back.</p>
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<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Chapter 6</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>CW/TW: graphic description of sex between opposite gender characters. Description of cheating. Discussion of abuse and gaslighting.</p><p>This chapter took me three hours to write.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Over the course of the next few weeks, I saw Josh whenever I could. He was spending so much time in the studio that I hardly saw him, but when I did, I enjoyed the time together. </p><p>His blond hair was getting pretty long, and he even had the makings of a beard. It was weird seeing him with facial hair because he hadn’t had any in the more than eight years that I had been a fan of Marianas Trench.</p><p>Leanne was still being stand-offish, but she was at least answering when I called or texted. We still hadn’t seen each other which kind of sucked. At least I had Josh keeping me company. He was often around to pick me up when Leanne would ditch me again.</p><p>I was beginning to feel like a burden on him though.  He was so busy with trying to make the album that I couldn’t bear to dump all of my crap on him too. I started to bottle my feelings up more than usual.</p><p>I was still teaching every day too. I loved many of my students, but some of them would rather be anywhere but English class. I tried my hardest to make it fun and easy to follow, but the material wasn’t particularly fun. I had a curriculum that I had to follow, so there wasn’t much I could do to change the topics we were studying.</p><p>My work friends became actual friends again since we were done stressing about midterms. </p><p>Time felt like it was passing pretty quickly. Next thing I knew it was already November. My life was a series of boring events, so I never had much to report when talking to anybody. I went to work; I went home. Once in awhile I would get drinks with my work friends or Josh would come over. Otherwise, I spent my time alone.</p><p>The day came that Marianas Trench put out a new song, so I listened to it while getting ready for a date with Leanne. She had finally put in the effort to make time for me. </p><p> </p><p>The song was called “I Knew You When,” and the lyrics were hitting kind of close to home for me. “I’ve been loving, loving you too long to just sudden, suddenly move on from this,” sounded a bit like my relationship with Leanne.</p><p>I shook the feeling off as I continued to get ready. I was putting in maximum effort to look my best for her. I put on a short, tight, red dress. My brown hair was curled and laid just below my shoulders. Under the dress, I wore a matching set of red, skimpy lingerie. I definitely looked like someone who wanted to get laid that night because I was someone who wanted to get laid.</p><p>It had been two months since the last time we saw each other. I tried to make time for her, but she was always too busy with work. I guess people were popping out babies like crazy those days. The hospital may have also been short on doctors, so Leanne was trying her best to cover shifts. Who knows? Maybe she just didn’t want to be with me anymore.</p><p>I was just finishing my make-up when I got the inevitable text. Our date was canceled. Leanne had to rush to the hospital. I had wished I was surprised, but I wasn’t. I didn’t know why I put so much effort into a date that I knew was going to get canceled anyway.</p><p>I was just storming off to get undressed when there was a knock at my door. In a last-ditch effort to hold on to hope that Leanne was the one at the door, I slipped on a pair of black heels so that I was ready to walk out the door upon seeing that it was her.</p><p>I was pretty disappointed to open the door and see Josh. Don’t get me wrong, I love spending time with Josh, but he wasn’t the one I wanted to be at my door. <br/>If I hadn’t been heartbroken by the fact that Leanne had ditched me once again, I would have been shocked that Josh’s hair was short and blue, and he had shaved.</p><p>“Oh. Hi, Josh.”</p><p>“Eleanor, what the fuck? You look incredible!”</p><p>“Thanks. I was just going to take it off. Leanne promised me a wonderful date night, but she ditched me. Again.”</p><p>Josh came into my apartment and slammed the door. “God dammit, Eleanor. I’ve had it with you letting Leanne treat you like crap.”</p><p>“But-”</p><p>“No, Eleanor. This isn’t okay. This is borderline abuse. It’s definitely gaslighting.”</p><p>“Gaslighting?”</p><p>“She’s treating you like crap then turning it on you to make it seem like you’re the one in the wrong. When she cancels an important date, and you get upset, then she turns it on you like you’re the one that’s wrong for being upset, that’s gaslighting. When she expects an apology because you’re upset after she ditches you, that’s gaslighting. The fact that you’re always giving her the benefit of the doubt despite the fact that she blatantly doesn’t deserve it is not okay.”</p><p>“Josh-”</p><p>“No, Eleanor. I care about you so much,” he walked over to me and put his hands on my shoulders. “You’re better than this. She can’t possibly be working this much. How long has it been since you’ve really spoken? How long has it been since you’ve spent more than ten minutes with her?”</p><p>“I haven’t spent any real time with her since that dinner like four months ago. After I moved here, we’ve been talking less and less. I saw her more when I lived 400 miles away. The only time we’ve spent together recently has just been when she’s come for apology sex after ditching me.”</p><p>Josh tilted my head up. I was still significantly shorter than he was even though I was wearing heels. “Don’t you see anything wrong with that?”</p><p>“I do, but what do you want me to do, Josh?”</p><p>He backed away and threw his hands up. “Break up with her? Why is this such a hard concept for you Eleanor?”</p><p>“Because I’m scared!” I hadn’t meant to yell.</p><p>“What are you scared of?”</p><p>“Leanne is the first person I’ve really fallen in love with. I’m scared of being without her. I’m scared that I’ll never find someone that will love me like that again. I’m scared of being alone.”</p><p>“You won’t be alone. You have me. You have Mike, Ian, and Matt. You have your work friends.”</p><p>“What happens when school is out and you’re touring? I’m alone. At least being in a relationship with Leanne means that I might have someone sometimes instead of nobody.”</p><p>“Eleanor-”</p><p>“No, Josh. You don’t get it. I uprooted my whole life to come here and live closer to Leanne. I took the job at the university to be near Leanne. Everything I’ve done in the last six months I’ve done because of Leanne. You literally wrote it in ‘I Knew You When.’ I’ve been loving you for too long to suddenly move on from this,” I paraphrased his own lyrics to him. “I can’t just up and leave her. I need to give her a chance.”</p><p>“That song is about breaking up, Eleanor. That line means that you can’t just immediately move on from a relationship after a break up because you’ve been in love too long. I wrote that song with you and Leanne as the inspiration,” he admitted shyly.</p><p>I was feeling so angry that I could hardly stand it. He wanted me to break up with Leanne so badly that he wrote a song about it?</p><p>My feet were hurting. My heart was hurting. My head was hurting. I needed a minute. “I have to take these stupid fucking shoes off, but we’re not done talking.”</p><p>I went to my room to take the shoes off, but I ended up sitting on my bed crying with my head in my hands. I was glad that I closed the door behind me.</p><p>There was a soft knock on my bedroom door. “Eleanor?”</p><p>“Don’t come in here.”</p><p>“Eleanor, I can hear you crying. Can I come in, please?”</p><p>“Okay.”</p><p>The door opened and Josh walked in slowly. “Elle, I don’t want you to feel like I’m pressuring you to do anything. You just need to know what it looks like to someone on the outside. It looks bad.” He walked over and knelt down in front of me. He was helping me get my shoes off.</p><p>“I’m just scared, Josh. What if nobody loves me like that again? Our relationship was so good for two years. I don’t know what happened.” I shivered as he ran a hand up my leg. He didn’t go any further than my knee.</p><p>“You’re incredible, Elle. Some girl would be lucky to fall in love with you.”</p><p>“Or guy,” I interjected, “I guess I never made it obvious that I’m bisexual.”</p><p>“I had a feeling from the kiss you accosted me with a couple of months ago, but I didn’t want to assume. I just thought you had a moment.”</p><p>“No. I’m fully into dudes too.”</p><p>Josh slowly got up onto his knees and moved so he was right in front of me. “So, you wouldn’t be mad if I-” He cut himself off by kissing me.</p><p>My heart was pounding in my chest. I knew this was wrong. I was with Leanne. I shouldn’t have been letting Josh kiss me, but at the same time, it felt so good to have Josh’s lips on mine.</p><p>I brought a hand up to the side of his face. It wasn’t rough. It felt like he had just shaved before coming over.</p><p>I opened my legs and slid closer to him so that his body was between my legs. He wrapped his arms around me in response.</p><p>I never wanted this to end. I wanted to feel all of him.</p><p>I pulled away for a second. “Undress me.”</p><p>“Are you sure?”</p><p>“Yes. I want you. All of you.”</p><p>His hands fumbled with the zipper on the back of my dress. I had difficulty getting it zipped up, but he had no problems unzipping it.</p><p>As we kissed, he slid the straps down my arms so that the red, lacy bra underneath was exposed.</p><p>He moved his way down my neck. I sighed as his lips explored the sensitive skin.</p><p>“At least someone gets to see me in this expensive lingerie,” I joked.</p><p>“Hmm?” Josh pulled back to get a look. “Oh.” For several seconds, he couldn’t take his eyes off my chest. I had pretty average breasts, not too big or too small.</p><p>I chuckled. “I totally don’t mind you staring, that’s the whole point of the lingerie, but I would very much like to keep kissing you. I would even like to take your clothes off.” I got butterflies at the idea of seeing Josh naked. Sure, I had seen his penis before, but it wasn’t in the right setting. At that time, I didn’t want to see it, nor did I take the time to actually look at it.</p><p>“Who’s stopping you from taking my clothes off?” He smirked.</p><p>“I guess nobody is.” I grabbed the bottom of his shirt and pulled it up over his head. I had seen him without a shirt multiple times because he often performed shirtless, but it was somehow different seeing him in such an intimate setting.</p><p>I started laughing because the song “Shut Up and Kiss Me” started playing in my head.</p><p>“What’s so funny?”</p><p>“Do you remember the song I was singing when we first met?”</p><p>“I think so, why?”</p><p>“It was ‘Shut Up and Kiss me.’ I was laughing because it just randomly popped into my head.”</p><p>He responded by singing a little bit of the chorus.</p><p>I took his hand. “Come up here with me.” As he stood up, I scooted over on the bed to give him room. Before he laid down next to me, I slid the rest of the way out of the dress. It was getting annoying having the dress half on. He started staring at me again. I admit that the underwear left little to the imagination. “If you come down here, I’ll even let you see what’s under it,” I joked.</p><p>He laid down on the bed next to me on his back. </p><p>I was both hesitant and excited to give myself to him. I hadn’t been with a man since long before Leanne, so I was afraid that I would mess it up or be weird.</p><p>I climbed on top of him and straddled his hips. His hands ran up and down exploring the parts of my body that he could reach. “God, I want you,” he whispered.</p><p>“I want you too.”</p><p>“Are we doing something wrong?”</p><p>“Probably, but I don’t care. You’ve shown me more love and affection in the time that I’ve lived here than my own girlfriend has. I don’t even feel guilty about this. We don’t have to do this if it makes you uncomfortable.” I meant it. I didn’t want to stop. I wanted to go all the way with him, but I would have respected his decision if it made him uncomfortable. We were cheating on Leanne together.</p><p>“No! Of course not. I want this. I want you. I want to make you feel good. You deserve to feel good.” While he spoke, his hands ran up and down my body. </p><p>“Say what you really mean,” I smirked. I didn’t think that he actually wanted to say anything else, but I wanted to see how he would respond.</p><p>He grabbed my wrists and pulled me down to his level. “I want to make you cum.” With those words, I could feel myself growing more aroused.</p><p>“Why don’t you then?” I taunted him.</p><p>In a split second, he had flipped us over. He was still holding my wrists. “Maybe I will.”</p><p>His mouth traveled down my neck to my breasts. He reached under me to unclasp it. Once he succeeded, he threw it to the side. He grabbed a nipple in his mouth and used his hand to gently play with the other. I couldn’t help but sigh and let out a small moan at this pleasure.</p><p>I tangled my fingers in his, now blue, hair. I wanted more of him. I needed more of him. “I need you,” I moaned.</p><p>“Patience, Ellie. Let me enjoy this.” When I met Josh five months ago, I told him that Ellie was an off-limits nickname because only Leanne was allowed to use it. Somehow I wasn’t upset when he called me Ellie. In fact, it made me feel butterflies.</p><p>“What did you call me?”</p><p>He stopped what he was doing. His face flashed panic. “I’m so sorry. It just slipped out.”</p><p>“No. No. I’m not mad. I actually really liked it.” I gave him a soft smile. “I like hearing you say my name.”</p><p>“Which version of your name? You have like a hundred versions of your name.”</p><p>I chuckled. “There’s only three, and I like it when you say all of them. I honestly think I like it when you call me Eleanor the most. There’s something special about you saying my full name.”</p><p>“I only call you Eleanor when I’m mad at you.”</p><p> </p><p>“You don’t have to call me Eleanor. You can call me Ellie, but don’t let anybody know that you call me Ellie. It’s a special nickname.”</p><p>“Deal. Can I get back to what I was doing now?”</p><p>“Only if you keep moving down.”</p><p>He gave me a sinister smile and got back to playing with my breasts.</p><p>I was beginning to ache with a need to feel him inside me. “Josh, please. I need more,” I begged.</p><p>Finally, his mouth traveled further down. He grabbed the waistband of the panties and slowly pulled them down until they were completely off. He tossed them aside with the bra.</p><p>He kissed the insides of my thighs, the top of my pubic bone, and every inch around the sensitive skin of my vulva. He was teasing me, and he loved it. I squirmed beneath his soft kisses. Then, his tongue flicked across my clit. The metal of the tongue ring felt strange and exhilarating. I gasped and moaned, “Fuck.”</p><p>He slid two fingers into me. “Fuck, you’re so wet.”</p><p>“Yea,” I gasped, “That’s what happens when you tease me.”</p><p>I’ve heard jokes about musicians. Guitarists are supposed to be really good at fingering. Drummers were good at banging. Whether it was related to his guitar playing or not, he was definitely very good at fingering. His tongue didn’t falter either.</p><p>He pushed his fingers in and out of me. I was feeling intense waves of pleasure the harder he fingered me. I knew I was getting close to finishing. “Don’t stop. Fuck. Don’t stop, Josh.” He did as I said and he fingered me until I came hard. I cried out from the pleasure that had come over me, and still, Josh didn’t stop.</p><p>As the orgasm slowed, he pulled his fingers out of me and sat up. “Well, damn.”</p><p>“I told you that I wanted you.” I was breathless. </p><p>He fell back onto the bed next to me. I wasn’t just going to let it end there. When I said I wanted to feel all of him, I meant it.</p><p>I waited to catch my breath before moving on to pleasuring him. </p><p>I sat up and swung my leg over his lap. I was on top of him once more. “You didn’t think that was all that would happen, did you?”</p><p>“I hoped that it wasn’t but I was ready to respect if that’s all you wanted.”</p><p>“Definitely not. I’m all about giving and receiving. I want to feel all of you,” I felt my face grow hot, “I want you inside me.”</p><p>“By all means, do what you want.”</p><p>I leaned over to kiss him. I slipped my tongue into his mouth. Once again, the tongue ring came off as a shock to someone who wasn’t used to feeling it.</p><p>I kissed my way down his body taking little time to stop. I was impatient. </p><p>I fumbled with the button on his jeans because I was trying to rush. After I finally got it open, I slid them and his underwear off with his help.</p><p>His rock-hard cock sprang from his pants. “I guess I’m not the only one who’s excited.”</p><p>“I just watched you cum because of me. What did you think would happen?”</p><p>“I hoped that this would happen, but I just wanted to joke on you.”</p><p>I took his cock in my right hand and began pumping up and down. His face squeezed up in pleasure. </p><p>After a couple of minutes, I leaned down and wrapped my mouth around him. “Fuck,” he sighed. He tangled his fingers in my hair and gently pulled for reassurance that I was doing right.</p><p>A few more minutes in, and he stopped me. “If you keep doing that, I’m not going to be able to fuck you properly because I’m going to cum.”</p><p>I moved back up and kissed him once more.</p><p>I straddled his lap again, but this time, I slowly lowered my wet pussy down onto his rock-hard cock. We both sighed in unison.</p><p>I started bouncing up and down, riding him hard and fast. </p><p>Josh’s hands were on my hips helping to guide me up and down. I knew that I probably wouldn’t be able to finish in this position, but I didn’t care. I just wanted to make him cum.</p><p>“I want to fuck you.”</p><p>“Are you sure?”</p><p>“Yes, lie down next to me.” I got off of him and laid down on the bed. He climbed on top of me. “Are you ready?”</p><p>“Yes, please. Fuck me.” </p><p>He got on top of me and lifted one of my legs and put it on his shoulder. He thrust into me roughly. I moaned at the feeling of him inside of me.</p><p>He fucked me hard and fast. I watched his face as he focused on the movements in and out of me. </p><p>I moaned and gripped the sheets in my hands. The harder he fucked me, the closer I came to another orgasm. I wanted it. I was ready for him to make me cum again. “Fuck, don’t stop. You’re going to make me cum again.” He continued thrusting into me. I felt the familiar warm sensation of the orgasm burst through me. I cried out in pleasure.</p><p>“You’re going to make me cum if you keep moaning like that.” Of course, I didn’t stop. I couldn’t stop. I was still cumming for him. </p><p>The orgasm slowed to a stop, but Josh kept going. “I want you to cum for me. Fuck me hard until you can’t stand it.”</p><p>He wasn’t very loud, but I watched his expression change as he finished. His breathing sped up and he moaned softly.</p><p>He pulled out of me after he finished and laid on the bed next to me. “You have no idea how much I needed that,” I chuckled.</p><p>“We should do it more often,” he was breathless.</p><p>“If you can make me cum like that, I’m absolutely okay with doing that more often.</p><p>“We should go shower,” I suggested, “we’re both pretty sweaty from our activities.”</p><p>We both got up from the bed. When I got up though, I felt wetness run down my leg. At first, I thought it was just excess fluid from me being so wet. Then, it dawned on me that we hadn’t used a condom. I wasn’t really worried because I was on the pill, but I still wondered how we could have been so reckless.</p><p>As we showered, we carefully washed each other’s bodies. We managed to make showering an intimate activity. </p><p>We went back and forth about whether or not he should spend the night, but we ultimately decided against it. He just lived across the hall, so he didn’t have any traveling to do. </p><p>I kissed him goodnight before closing the door behind him and heading to bed myself.</p><p>I just had to hope that Leanne never found out about me and Josh.</p>
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<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Chapter 7</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Josh and I did a lot of sneaking around in secret. We mostly met up late at night after I finished work and he finished in the studio for the day.</p><p>It wasn’t just sex for us either. We pretty much had a full relationship behind everybody's backs. </p><p>We didn’t go out together in public though. We didn’t want to risk being seen by somebody that we both knew. I was still in a relationship with Leanne because at this point, I didn’t know how to end it. </p><p>Things got rough when Leanne started coming around again. I had given her a key to my apartment when I first moved in so that she could come over whenever she wanted to. Of course, I hadn’t expected any of the events that happened to happen. I gave it to her expecting her to surprise me with dinner or surprise me by being naked in my apartment.</p><p>That key remained unused until early December. Josh and I had successfully been sneaking around for several weeks before Leanne insisted that things at work were calming down which meant she could be around more often.</p><p>At that point, I hadn’t seen her in nearly three months. She expected that things would just go back to normal. As much as I wanted things to be normal, my life would never be “normal” again. I was living a secret double life with Josh that Leanne had no idea about.</p><p>She almost caught me and Josh one night. We were being totally reckless. It was early in the night, and since we both got our work done, we wanted to be together. He came over to my apartment. We started making out on the couch and pawed at each other's clothes, willing them to be off.</p><p>When we heard footsteps outside of my door, I jumped up and ran to the bathroom. My hair was a mess, and my clothes were crooked and hanging off of me. Josh often looked like a mess, so he would be able to play it off and get away with it.</p><p>I hadn’t meant to, but I started to eavesdrop from the bathroom as I straightened myself up.</p><p>“Josh,” Leanne said curtly. “What are you doing here?”</p><p>“Spending time with Elle, my friend.”</p><p>“Look, I’m not comfortable with you being alone with her.”</p><p>“Frankly, I don’t care what you’re not comfortable with. Elle is a big girl who can make decisions for herself.”</p><p>“Frankly, Josh, I don’t care what you think. Ellie,” she emphasized the nickname that she thought only she could call me, “is my girlfriend. I don’t trust you.”</p><p>“I’ve never done anything to you or her. You have no reason to think like that. We’ve had very limited interactions with each other, so I don’t know why you think I’m not trustworthy. Elle trusts me.”</p><p>“Elle trusts you because she’s basically been in love with you for eight years. She’s vulnerable towards you. You’re her favorite person in the world and you’re giving her attention.” My face was burning with rage. Was Leanne really out there acting like I was nothing more than a child?</p><p>“Last time I checked, Eleanor is a full-grown adult who can make her own judgments. She doesn’t need you to decide who’s good for her and who isn’t. Besides, you haven’t been around in months. I’ve been the one who has been there for her every time you broke her heart by canceling another date.”</p><p>“You have no right to speak about my life. The hospital was insanely understaffed. I was one of two doctors qualified enough to perform c-sections and many high-risk births for months. I was struggling to keep my head above water for months. For three months, I slept two hours or less every day. Forgive me if I didn’t have time for a personal life. I barely had time to eat or shower most days.”</p><p>I knew that I should have gone out there to intervene, but I was kind of glad that Josh was really giving her a piece of his mind.</p><p>“It’s always the same excuse with you. Who’s to say that you haven’t been lying this whole time so you could cheat on Elle?”</p><p>“Absolutely the fuck not. You don’t get to speak about me or my relationship with Ellie. We’ve been together for two and a half years. You don’t know either of us like we know each other. How dare you?”</p><p>“How dare I? I’ve been the one drying her tears when you ditch her yet again. I was there for her when you barely spoke to her for a month. I feel pretty damn qualified to speak about the heartbreak that Elle has been experiencing for the last three months while you weren’t around.”</p><p>“I think you are too close to Ellie. You shouldn’t come around so much anymore. I’ve got it from here.”</p><p>“You don’t get to tell me what to do. I’m an adult and Elle is an adult. She can decide for herself if she doesn’t want me around.”</p><p>“She’s not in the right place mentally to make that decision, so I’m making it for her. Leave.”</p><p>There was silence for several seconds before the door slammed shut. </p><p>I scrambled to pretend like I was actually using the bathroom when I heard footsteps approaching the door. </p><p>“Ellie,” Leanne knocked on the door. “Josh just left. Hurry up so I can see you.”</p><p>How was I supposed to pretend like I didn’t just hear her insult me and throw Josh out?</p><p>Thankfully, I brought my phone to the bathroom with me because I got a text from Josh. It just said, “I’m sorry.”</p><p>Did Leanne just ruin everything with Josh?</p>
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<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Chapter 8</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I'm not gonna lie, I have no definitive clue who is Marianas Trench is actually married. I didn't want to explicitly say if someone was married if they weren't so I tried to avoid it altogether.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Once again, Josh and I weren’t talking. This time it’s all because of Leanne. </p><p>I was beginning to resent her. Before, I was able to give her the benefit of the doubt that she was actually working and trying to make the world a better place, but I was beginning to think she was just dragging me along to make herself feel better. I certainly learned how she really felt about me when she spoke to Josh.</p><p>I pretended to still be happy and in love to save face. It was too close to Christmas for me to start acting as I hated her.</p><p>I was also beginning to feel sick all the time. Either I wasn’t hungry at all or I was hungry the entire day. When I did eat, I often threw it up within the hour. I didn’t want to worry Leanne, so I just tried to hide it. </p><p>At first, I couldn’t even imagine what was wrong with me, so I just tried to power through the day.</p><p>School was out for winter break, so I was barely working. I worked a little to prepare lesson plans for the spring semester, but for the most part, I just sat at home.</p><p>Despite the fact that Josh wasn’t talking to me, I still went out and got him a Christmas present. I was planning on leaving it at his door. It wasn’t anything fancy. I got him a necklace with a guitar pick on it. I had it engraved to just say “Love, E,” so that nobody would really be suspicious about who it was from. I put a note on the top of the box to let him know that it was from me so that he didn’t throw it away.</p><p>Late on Christmas Eve, I put the present outside of his door and knocked to get his attention. I debated waiting there for him, but I didn’t want to cross any boundaries, so I went back into my apartment. </p><p>I watched through the peephole to see if he would come out and pick it up. My heart fluttered as I watched his door open. He looked up and down the hallway. When he saw nobody, he looked down at the box. He picked it up and looked at my apartment door, longing. I knew he didn’t know I was standing on the other side of the door, but it felt like he was looking at me.</p><p>I walked backward back into my apartment. My heart was breaking that I didn’t get to be with Josh on Christmas, but Leanne was asleep in my bed. I couldn’t even risk going out there to sneak a kiss.</p><p>I went back to bed sad that I didn’t get to spend the holidays with the one person that I wanted to spend Christmas with. </p><p>Christmas day was just me and Leanne. We exchanged a few gifts, had breakfast, and sat on the couch watching Christmas movies. It was going exactly how I would have expected it to go six months ago. </p><p>I nearly sighed a breath of relief when she got called into work. “I should only be gone for a few hours,” she promised as she kissed me on the way out.</p><p>About ten minutes later, when I was sure she was gone, I went over to Josh’s and banged on the door. </p><p>He opened the door, and I jumped into his arms. “I don’t care what Leanne wants. You’re my best friend, and I need you in my life.”</p><p>“Elle…” He put me down and backed up.</p><p>“No, Josh. I’m an adult and only I get to decide who I’m friends with. Leanne can leave if she doesn’t like it.”</p><p>He bent down to kiss me and wrapped me tightly in his arms.</p><p>That was the moment that I realized the probable cause for why I had been sick. The familiar sensation of feeling Josh’s body against mine sent waves of panic through me.</p><p>I pulled away and tried to hide the panic that I was feeling. “I have to go, but I want to spend New Year’s with you and the guys. I want everyone to come over and we can have a big new years party.”</p><p>“I’ll ask them, but I think it’s a great idea.”</p><p>Instead of going back into my apartment, I grabbed my keys and went downstairs. I found the nearest drug store and went inside. I didn’t care that I was still in my pj’s.  </p><p>I hoped my feeling was wrong, but I still found my way to the family planning aisle. Rather than grab a bunch of different tests, I decided to grab the most expensive one. That had to mean it was the most accurate, right?</p><p>I quickly paid and rushed back home. I couldn’t stand not knowing.</p><p>I thought everything through while I waited for the results. I had missed my last period, but the birth control I was on gave me irregular periods. I didn’t think too into it at the time. I had been sick and throwing up every day for nearly two weeks. I didn’t want to eat most days, but I was craving certain foods at the same time. I had noticed that my breasts were tender the last time I had sex with Leanne. I was inexplicably tired all the time. Josh and I first had sex almost six weeks earlier, and we didn’t use a condom.</p><p>The test was positive.</p><p>I was pregnant with Josh’s baby.</p><p>I sank to the floor. I didn’t know what to do. I knew that I had options, but was this really the worst thing in the world?</p><p>The answer was yes.</p><p>I quickly cleaned everything up and threw the trash where Leanne wouldn’t see it. I hid the positive test at the top of the medicine cabinet and prayed that Leanne wouldn’t find it.</p><p>I went through life like everything was normal. I let Leanne know about my plans for the New Years’ party. She was visibly unhappy with the idea, but she could see how excited it made me to plan it.</p><p>How was I going to pretend to make a toast if I couldn’t even drink champagne? That would look suspicious to Leanne but probably not to the guys.</p><p>For once, I hoped and prayed that Leanne would get called into work. It would be easier to avoid alcohol if she wasn’t there. Her job made hiding a pregnancy ten times harder. She would know the symptoms a mile away. </p><p>The day came for the party. I wanted a stereotypical New Year’s Eve party, so I asked everyone to dress super fancy. </p><p>Leanne even treated me to dress shopping a few days before the party. She bought me a beautiful floor-length gown. It was dark blue and had rhinestones of varying sizes across the bust. The straps were off the shoulder. </p><p>Leanne wasn’t very feminine, so she rented a tux to wear.</p><p>The panic was setting in the closer we got to party time. I was setting out the food before going to put my dress on. </p><p>About thirty minutes before the start of the party, Leanne got the call that she would have to go to work and that it would probably take all night.</p><p>I feigned sadness and anger. “Of course. Why would I expect anything more from you?” I slammed a plate down.</p><p>She didn’t say anything as she walked out.</p><p>Silently, I was relieved that she wouldn’t be at the party.</p><p>Upon seeing that Leanne had left, Josh came over early. I hadn’t even put my dress on yet. “Do you want to help me?” I smirked at Josh.</p><p>“Eleanor,” he smiled, “You’ll have guests coming soon.”</p><p>“Then, we can have some fun before they show up.” Another pregnancy symptom I was beginning to experience was a heightened sex drive.</p><p>We didn’t really get to do much of anything before there was a knock on the door.</p><p>Josh quickly helped me into my dress. I slipped into some heels and went to answer the door.</p><p>Mike and his wife stood at the door. Mike stepped inside while I introduced myself to his wife.</p><p>A few minutes later, Matt and Ian showed up with their dates.</p><p>Everybody was looking fantastic. I was thrilled that everyone obliged me and dressed to the nines for my silly New Years’ party.</p><p>We all just kind of mingled and talked while we waited for the clock to strike midnight.</p><p>At 11:30, I turned the tv on to prepare for the ball drop. It was pre-recorded because half of the world was already in the new year.</p><p>I made a toast thanking everyone for coming and hoping for best wishes for the new year. I had the bright idea to substitute my drink for sparkling grape juice, so they had no idea that I wasn’t drinking.</p><p>We all stood around and counted down from ten.</p><p>Five, four, three, two, one… The other three guys grabbed their dates and kissed them. I struggled not to grab Josh and kiss him, but they had no idea about our secret relationship. Instead, he pulled me into a tight embrace and whispered, “I’ll give you an unforgettable kiss later.”</p><p>Everyone stayed for a couple of more hours before leaving for the night.</p><p>It was just me and Josh again.</p><p>He didn’t want to hang around for too long. Leanne could come home at any time.</p><p>He gave me a long, passionate kiss good-bye before going back to his apartment.</p><p>Things in my life were going so great and so wrong at the same time.</p>
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<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Chapter 9</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>CW/TW: explicit language, slut-shaming</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>As I boarded the elevator, the exhaustion and nausea really hit me. Going back to work for the spring semester was proving to be difficult. </p><p>It had been about three weeks since that positive pregnancy test.</p><p>I hadn’t seen Josh since the New Year. This proved to be a good thing since I had no idea how to approach the subject. “Oh, by the way, you knocked me up. Congrats, pops.” I shook my head at the thought.</p><p>I was only ten weeks pregnant, so I wasn’t showing yet. I still had time to figure things out.</p><p>Then, I remembered Leanne. She was literally a doctor whose whole life was dedicated to pregnant people. I was trying my best to hide the symptoms, but with her around more often, she was bound to notice them sooner or later. If not, she would definitely notice the weight gain and protruding belly. I wouldn’t even pretend to hide the truth from her whenever she found out. </p><p>I just needed to end things with her in all honesty. I didn’t deserve the abandonment, and she didn’t deserve my infidelity. </p><p>I stepped off the elevator and headed toward my apartment.</p><p>I needed a nap. Growing a human was exhausting. </p><p>When I turned the knob and walked into my apartment, I saw Leanne sitting at my dining room table looking like someone had died.</p><p>I was about to ask her what was wrong as I stepped forward, but I stopped suddenly when I saw the positive pregnancy test and the Eleanora CD in front of her.</p><p>“Are you going to explain this, or am I going to have to figure it out myself?”</p><p>I set my stuff on the coffee table but stayed standing where I was. “I knew this day would come. I just hoped I would be able to tell you. I don’t plan to lie or make excuses. I was feeling abandoned and lonely. I was vulnerable a few months ago when you canceled a date that was supposed to be important to us, so I slept with someone.</p><p>“I take full responsibility for my actions, but here’s why I did what I did: you’re never around. You are constantly bailing on me. When we do have time together, you are itching to leave. You are constantly checking your phone, willing a call to come in. I didn’t see or hear from you for a month. I feel like I’ve seen you less than when we lived 400 miles apart. So yea, I’ve been feeling hurt. I’ve been feeling abandoned, unwanted, unloved. Someone showed me more love and attention than you have for the past seven months. I fell for it, and I got knocked up as a result.”</p><p>She didn’t say anything for several seconds.</p><p>“I listened to the song. Am I right to assume it’s one of them? They wrote the song as a thank you for laying on your back for them? Do you even know which one of them is the father?” Her words were dripping with hate and rage. </p><p>“The song has nothing to do with this. The song was written and recorded before anything happened. Yes, it was one of them, not all four of them. Fuck you for implying that I’m some kind of whore for allowing someone to actually care about me when my own girlfriend was too busy avoiding me like I had the plague!”</p><p>Leanne stood up from the table so quickly that she knocked the chair over. “I save lives. I’m a fucking doctor!”</p><p>“Yea, you care about everyone else’s lives but your own girlfriend!”</p><p>She started walking toward me with the test in her hand. “I think you mean ex-girlfriend. If that wasn’t clear enough, we’re done.” She shoulder-checked me pretty hard as she went for the door.”</p><p>“No loss here. I’ve basically felt single for the last seven months anyway.”</p><p>She put her hand on the doorknob, but she stopped. She spoke with her back to me. “I was absent a lot and always on the phone because I was planning a huge proposal for you. I was going to ask to move in and then ask you to marry me. I guess I wasted a lot of my own time for nothing.” At this point, she actually sounded sad.</p><p>When she opened the door to leave, Josh was standing in the hallway.</p><p>“Congrats, man. She’s your problem now.” She shoved the pregnancy test at him and punched him in the chest.</p><p>I never admitted openly that Josh was who I slept with, but I guess she put two and two together. </p><p>He wrapped his hand around the test, so Leanne let it go and stormed away.</p><p>He didn’t even look at the test before he spoke. “Eleanor, what is she talking about? What happened? What is this?” He looked down at the little stick in his hand. His face drained of its color. “Oh, Eleanor. No.”</p><p>I fought back tears. “Congrats. I’m your problem now.”</p><p>I was less upset about breaking up with Leanne and more upset about the horrible things she said about me. Josh’s less than enthusiastic response to the pregnancy certainly didn’t help. </p><p>No matter how hard I fought back tears, I couldn’t stop them.</p><p>All at once, it felt like my life was unraveling. I lost Leanne, Josh looked like he was going to be sick, and I was starting to feel overwhelmed by it all. </p><p>I took the test from Josh’s hand. “You don’t have to worry about me. I’m not your problem. I’m my own problem.”</p><p>I went back into my apartment and closed the door.</p><p>I put a hand on my belly, “Looks like it’s just you and me, little one.”</p><p>I walked over to the couch and laid down. I was exhausted and overwhelmed. I just needed to sleep. Within minutes, I was asleep.</p><p>I was woken up, I don’t know how much later, by knocking at my door. I really didn’t want visitors, but I answered the door anyway.</p><p>Josh was standing there holding a guitar. “Can I come in?”</p><p>I was confused, but I let him in any way. “Josh what are you-”</p><p>He pulled me to the middle of my living room and knelt down in front of me. He started strumming a familiar tune on his guitar. “I do want you to know I’ll hold you up above everyone. And I do want you to know I think you’d be so good to me, and I’ll be so good to you.” </p><p>He smiled up at me. “What’s this about?”</p><p>“I want our baby to know my voice too. I want to sing to him.”</p><p>“Or her,” I corrected him, “You don’t have to do this.”</p><p>“I want to. I want to be there for both of you. I want him,” I shot him a look, “or her to know me. I want to sing to you both.”</p><p>“You know, he or she can’t even hear you yet. I’m only like ten weeks pregnant.”</p><p>“Have you been to the doctor yet?”</p><p>“Only to confirm the pregnancy. I haven’t had an ultrasound yet.”</p><p>“Can I come with you for the ultrasound?”</p><p>“Of course! I have one scheduled for the beginning of next week. I was going to cancel classes, but I should save those up just in case.”</p><p>“What day? I’ll have to let the guys know that we’ll be taking the day off from recording.”</p><p>“Monday. It’s right around lunchtime. Do you want to come over for lunch before we go?”</p><p>“Sure! I’ll be here.”</p><p>“You can get off the floor now.”</p><p>“Oh, right.”</p><p>He stood up, put the guitar behind his back, and pulled me into a tight embrace. I hugged him back, careful not to hit the guitar.</p><p>“Can you stay with me tonight? I don’t want to be alone.”</p><p>“Of course. Whatever you need.”</p><p>We let each other go.</p><p>“Well, there is one thing I need,” I smirked at him.</p><p>He scrunched up his face. “Wouldn’t that be kind of weird? Won’t it know what we’re doing?’</p><p>“‘It’ doesn’t have much, if any, cognitive function yet. I think we’ll be fine. But, we don’t have to do anything if you’re not comfortable. I don’t want to pressure you at all.”</p><p>He smiled and put his hand on my hips, pulling me to him. “What could it hurt?” He bent down to kiss me.</p><p>I pulled away after a few seconds. “Thank God. I’m so horny all the time that I can barely stand it. I’m serious about not pressuring you, but I probably would have cried if you said no.”</p><p>He picked me up, so I wrapped my legs around him. “It’s a good thing I want to do whatever I can to make you feel good.”</p><p>He carried me to my bed and placed me gently on it.</p><p>He took no time in taking my pants off and getting to work.</p><p>By the time he was done with me, my legs were shaking and I could barely catch my breath. He really wasn’t kidding when he said he wanted to make me feel good. </p><p>We curled up together and fell asleep without getting up to put clothes on.</p><p>The next morning, I sprang up out of bed still naked with the overwhelming need to throw up. This was a common occurrence, except I didn’t just have morning sickness, I had all day sickness. It was a little more bearable once I knew what was causing it, but I still hated throwing up.</p><p>There was a knock at my door, so I asked Josh to answer it because I was naked and had my head in the toilet.</p><p>“I see she took no time falling back into bed with you now that I’m gone,” Leanne’s voice was strangely calm.</p><p>“What do you want?”</p><p>“I wanted to return Eleanor’s key. I forgot about it yesterday, and I have no use for it now.”</p><p>“Good. I have it now. You can leave.”</p><p>“Is the whore too afraid to face me herself? Is that why you’re opening the door for her?”</p><p>“Fucking leave, Leanne. She’s not going to be treated like shit by you anymore.”</p><p>“Good. I hope I never see her stupid slut face again.”</p><p>The door slammed shut.</p><p>I walked out of the bathroom. Tears were streaming down my face. “I messed up really badly. Didn’t I?”</p><p>Josh ran over and grabbed me. “No. It’s okay. You did what was right for you. She was horrible to you. She gaslit and lied to you so much. All of the times she turned a situation on you made you think that you’re the bad guy even though you’ve done nothing wrong.”</p><p>We stood there, and Josh held me for several minutes while I cried.</p><p>I stopped crying and stepped out of his arms.</p><p>“My God. Your emotions are a roller coaster. Just a few hours you were begging me to fuck you and now you’re sobbing. Is this what I have to look forward to for six more months?”</p><p>“Technically seven, but yes.”</p><p>“Seven?”</p><p>“Yes. I’m ten weeks pregnant which is about two and a half months. I have thirty weeks left. Each month is about four weeks. Thirty weeks divided by four is seven and a half months.”</p><p>“I thought pregnancies were nine months?”</p><p>“Everyone says that, but they’re forty weeks which is closer to ten months. They just say nine months so they can break them into nice little trimesters. Ten isn’t divisible by three, so they ignore it. I dated someone whose whole life was dedicated to pregnancies,” I started crying again. “Math is so stupid. That’s why I got my degree in English.”</p><p>Josh stood there hopelessly while I cried about math. “Can I get you anything?” The poor man was trying so hard.</p><p>I stopped crying immediately. “Can you get me donuts? Can I go with you to get donuts? I can buy my own donuts. I just want you to drive.”</p><p>“I can drive you to get donuts. I’ll even buy the donuts. Can you get dressed first? You’re still very naked which is incredibly sexy, but you shouldn’t go in public naked.”</p><p>I quickly went to get dressed. I was feeling thankful that my clothes still fit. I put on jeans and a sweatshirt.</p><p>I walked back into the living room feeling hungry and excited. Josh wasn’t where I left him. “Josh? Josh, did you leave me?”</p><p>I sat on the couch and started crying again because I thought Josh left and didn’t want to take me to get donuts.</p><p>He walked back into my apartment fully dressed. “Oh my God,” he sounded worried, “What happened? Why are you crying?”</p><p>“I thought you left because you didn’t want to take me to get donuts.”</p><p>“God fucking dammit, Ellie,” he started laughing, “You are ridiculous. I just went to change. It’s okay.”</p><p>I stopped crying. “I like it when you call me Ellie.”</p><p>“Well, Ellie, can we go get donuts now?”</p><p>I smiled and stood up. “Yes, please.”</p><p>This was the first time we went out in public together. Before, I was worried about someone seeing us and running to Leanne. I didn’t have to worry about that anymore.</p><p>On the drive to a donut shop, I was discussing pregnancy announcement ideas.</p><p>First, I had to figure out how to tell people that Leanne and I broke up. My family had no idea what was going on with me anymore. It would probably be shocking to see that I was all of a sudden pregnant with a blue-haired rockstar’s baby.</p><p>I quickly went onto Facebook and changed my relationship status to single.</p><p>I made a ridiculous status about how good things must come to an end and how things just didn’t work anymore. I made sure to block anybody associated with Leanne so they couldn’t expose me.</p><p>Within minutes, my mom called me. “Honey, are you okay?”</p><p>“I’m fine, Mom. Things just weren’t working out between us anymore. Moving out her just proved we weren’t meant to be together.”</p><p>“I think I’ll give Leanne a call and check on her.”</p><p>“No,” I yelled into the phone, “She probably doesn’t want to be bothered by my family right now.”</p><p>“Okay, hon. Well, I love you.”</p><p>“I love you too.” I sighed after I hung up. “She almost just got me exposed. I need to tell them in my own time.”</p><p>We were quick in the donut shop and headed back home.</p><p>While Josh drove, I scarfed down two donuts.</p><p>When we walked back into my apartment, my phone rang. My mom was calling me again.</p><p>“Eleanor Michelle Wilson, are you pregnant with some man’s baby that you cheated on Leanne with?”</p><p>“For fuck’s sake, Mom. I told you not to call her.”</p><p>“That doesn’t answer my question.” She sounded furious.</p><p>“Yes, Mom. His name is Josh. He’s my neighbor and he’s a rockstar. Also, his hair is currently blue.” Josh shot me a look for dragging him down with me.</p><p>“Rockstar? Is he part of that band you’ve been obsessed with forever?”</p><p>I sighed. “Yes. I’m about ten weeks pregnant now. We were planning to make an announcement, but I guess the cat’s out of the bag.”</p><p>“I’m so disappointed in you.”</p><p>My heart dropped. Disappointing my mom was honestly the worst thing I could do. “You don’t even know half the story, Mom. You’d understand if I told you how Leanne treated me for seven months.”</p><p>“Then, tell me.”</p><p>I launched into all of the details about the abandonment and the constant desire to be anywhere else. I told her about the lying and putting everything on me like it was my fault.</p><p>“While I can understand where you’re coming from, you’re still in the wrong here, Elle.”</p><p>“I know, Mom. I never said what I did was right. I’m not proud to be a cheater, but I’m not sorry either. We hurt each other, and we’re both wrong.”</p><p>“Alright, Ellebelle. So, you’re having my first grandbaby?” She finally sounded excited.</p><p>“Yes, Mom. Can you let me announce it though?”</p><p>“Of course. I won’t tell a soul.”</p><p>“I mean it, Mom. Don’t tell anybody, please.”</p><p>“Yes, Eleanor. I swear that I won’t tell anybody.”</p><p>“I love you, Mom.”</p><p>“I love you too.”</p><p>I would have to worry about telling people later. For now, I just wanted to enjoy my time with Josh and my donuts.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>This chapter was supposed to be longer, but I had to cut it off at 15 pages. It took me at least 5 hours before I finally called it quits on this chapter. That's why it ends kind of abruptly</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Chapter 10</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This is another chapter that I had to cut down. The handwritten version is 15 pages, so I broke it down. This chapter is a little shorter, but the next chapter is going to be very long.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The weekend flew by. Before I knew it, it was time for the ultrasound.</p><p>All morning while I was at work, my nerves were running high. I didn’t know what to expect. This would be my first-ever look at my baby.</p><p>I drove home after my morning classes to make lunch for me and Josh. I wasn’t planning anything fancy, just a couple of sandwiches and some chips.</p><p>He walked into my apartment around 11:30.</p><p>“Don’t you know how to knock? I could’ve been naked in here.”</p><p>“Ellie, you’re literally pregnant with my child. I’ve seen you naked many times.”</p><p>“Oh, right.”</p><p>“Besides, why would I knock when I know the door is going to be open for me?”</p><p>“Do you remember when we set those boundaries a few months ago?”</p><p>“That was before we started sleeping together.”</p><p>“Sleeping with me doesn’t automatically give you permission to enter my apartment.”</p><p>“Well, it should,” he smiled.</p><p>“You’re ridiculous.”</p><p>“Yea, well, you sure do know how to pick them.”</p><p>I rolled my eyes. “We need to eat and go.” We sat at the dining room table and ate in silence.</p><p>As we drove to the appointment, I started to worry about something silly. The doctor would probably ask who Josh was, and I didn’t know how to answer. Was I supposed to introduce him as the baby’s father? Do I just say he’s my friend? Is he my boyfriend? We never really established what our relationship was. We were friends who just so happened to enjoy each other’s company. We also happened to like having sex and ended up pregnant. Even if we weren’t in a relationship, we would still be tied to each other forever by this baby.</p><p>At this point, I was too nervous to ask Josh. I would just plan on telling anybody who asked that Josh is the one who knocked me up. It was the best way to approach the situation.</p><p>When we got inside, I let the receptionist know that I was bringing someone back with me so they wouldn’t try to stop him.</p><p>When they took us back to a room, a nurse informed me to strip from the waist down and cover up with the provided sheet.</p><p>The ultrasound tech came in not much later. “Eleanor Wilson?”</p><p>“That’s me.”</p><p>“And who’s this?” She looked at Josh.</p><p>“I’m Josh.”</p><p>“He’s the one who knocked me up.”</p><p>“Oh...great.” She took her seat. “Go ahead and slide all the way to the edge of the table for me.”</p><p>I slid to where my bottom was almost hanging off of the table.</p><p>She informed me step by step what she was going to do.</p><p>“I thought ultrasounds were done on the stomach,” Josh asked from behind me. He really wanted to be out of the way.</p><p>“Because the pregnancy is still in the early stages of development, we have to do an intravaginal ultrasound in order to see the embryo. Don’t worry. It won’t hurt Eleanor.” She reassured him.</p><p>It did feel a little strange when the ultrasound wand went inside of me, but it wasn’t painful or uncomfortable.</p><p>It took her a few seconds, but she located the baby on the ultrasound. She turned the monitor to where Josh and I could see it.</p><p>Josh reached down and grabbed my hand.</p><p>“Do you hear that sound? That’s your baby’s heartbeat. It’s strong.”</p><p>I didn’t even try to fight back the tears as they flowed freely from my eyes. I even heard Josh sniffling behind me. I almost couldn’t believe that he was crying too.</p><p>The ultrasound tech took a few pictures and clicked around for a few minutes.</p><p>When she finished, she said, “The doctor will be in shortly to look over these with you,” and she left.</p><p>“There’s really a human in there.”</p><p> </p><p>“I know. I can’t believe it. I’m growing a person.”</p><p>Josh came around the side of the table, bent down, and kissed me.</p><p>The door opened and Josh scrambled to move away from me.</p><p>The doctor came in and sat down after washing her hands. “Everything looks great with baby. I’m just going to take a peek to make sure everything else is a safe environment for development and birth.”</p><p>I laid there awkwardly while she looked at and felt around my vagina.</p><p>“Everything looks good. Your cervix is healthy and doing its job keeping your baby safe.” She handed Josh the ultrasound pictures. “You’re all good to go. I’ll see you in a month for another check-up.” She got up and walked out.</p><p>On the counter, there were feminine wipes laid out for me to clean up with.</p><p>“You might not want to watch this part.”</p><p>“What part?”</p><p>“They had to use lube to get the ultrasound wand in and I have to clean it up.”</p><p>“Yea, I’ll turn around. I want to keep the attraction alive for a bit longer.”</p><p>After Josh turned around, I slid off of the table to clean myself up.</p><p>I got redressed and we left.</p><p>While Josh drove, I found myself staring at the pictures from the ultrasound.</p><p>“I still can’t believe that we did this.”</p><p>“I can't either,” he reached over and grabbed my hand.</p><p>We rode the rest of the way in silence.</p><p>We got back up to my apartment.</p><p>“I’m going to go grab a shower. I feel icky after going to the doctor and getting poked and prodded.”</p><p>Josh grabbed my waist from behind. “Why don’t I join you,” he whispered in my ear.</p><p>A shiver ran down my spine. I sighed. “Do you really want to get sexy after watching me with my legs up in the stirrups and the doctor’s hand up inside of me?”</p><p>He let me go. “Well, I did until you said it like that.”</p><p>I turned around to look at him. He looked simultaneously disgusted and disappointed. I couldn’t help but laugh. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to ruin it. Do you still want to join me?”</p><p>“Yea, but it’s going to be less sexy now,” he pouted.</p><p>I rubbed his arm, “Poor baby.”</p><p>Before I could register what was happening, he picked me up and threw me over his shoulder. I smacked his butt. “Joshua Ramsay, you put me down.”</p><p>He set me in the shower still fully clothed and turned on the cold water.</p><p>“Payback.”</p><p>I grabbed his hand and pulled him in with me. He nearly fell headfirst into the wall, but he caught himself. “You could’ve killed me.”</p><p>“You shouldn’t have left yourself open to an attack.”</p><p>He reached for me and put a hand on the back of my head. In a matter of seconds, he had me pushed against a wall, and he was kissing me hard.</p><p>We ended up doing less actual showering and more fooling around in the shower. We should’ve been ashamed of the amount of water we wasted.</p><p>After we got out, we laid in bed together for hours.</p><p>I was happy with what we were becoming.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Chapter 11</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>A little bit later, Josh said, “We gave a concert coming up on Wednesday. I want you to come and be a VIP.”</p><p>“You’re inviting me to a Marianas Trench concert for free?</p><p>“Well, not really ‘free.’ You’re growing my child inside of you.”</p><p>“I get to go to a Marianas Trench concert because I slept with the lead singer and he knocked me up?”</p><p>“Can you just say yes and stop acting so damn ridiculous?”</p><p>“Of course, I’ll go. I’d be crazy to say no. I am first and foremost a gigantic Marianas Trench fan. I used to play this game with myself where I’d put the songs on shuffle and try to guess the song title and album as fast as I could.”</p><p>He sat up. “You’re actually crazy.”</p><p>I sat up and handed him my phone. “Yes, I am. Test me.”</p><p>He shook his head. “Why do I indulge you?”</p><p>The first song started playing. “Easy. Sutter; Ever After.” He skipped to the next song. “September; Fix Me.” He skipped again. This time I think he thought he could trip me up. “Cross My Heart Acoustic; Masterpiece Theatre.”</p><p>This went on for thirty more minutes. I got every single song right. I think that, at some point, Josh became mesmerized by my insane knowledge of his music.</p><p>“Okay, so you’re actually crazy.”</p><p>“Yes, but you knocked me up, so who’s really the crazy one here?”</p><p>“Still you.”</p><p>I scoffed and tackled him.</p><p>“Do you regret any of this,” I asked seriously.</p><p>“Do you mean this situation? No. I don’t regret meeting you. I don’t regret sleeping with you. Do I wish we had been more careful three months ago? Of course, but I don’t regret any of it. You’ve been a blessing in my life.”</p><p>Once again, I started crying. I was happy this time. “I’m so grateful to have met you.”</p><p>“You cry a lot.”</p><p>“I’m pregnant. Leave me alone.”</p><p>“We leave early on Wednesday and we’ll be spending the night out there, so we won’t be home until sometime on Thursday.”</p><p>“I can cancel classes. Surprisingly, I haven’t canceled a single class this year.”</p><p>Wednesday came before I knew it.</p><p>I sent all of my classes an email the night before to inform them that I would be out of town and attached instructions for work to do.</p><p>I packed an overnight bag before going to sleep.</p><p>Josh woke me up at five AM. He wasn’t kidding about leaving early.</p><p>“Didn’t I tell you we were flying? The concert is in Kitchener. It’s basically across the country. Do you know anything about Canadian geography?”</p><p>“No. I really don’t. Didn’t I tell you that I moved here from America? I don’t know shit about Canada.”</p><p>“Well, it’s a good thing you said yes to coming because I bought your plane ticket a while ago. I was always planning on inviting you to the convert, with or without Leanne’s permission.”</p><p>“Well, shit. You didn’t have to go to all of that trouble for me.”</p><p>“Watching you experience a Marianas Trench concert is going to make it worth it.”</p><p>“I’ve already seen you twice in concert. I’ve met you twice too. I met Mike twice, Ian once, and I hadn’t met Matt at all until I moved here.”</p><p>“Really?”</p><p>I pulled out my phone and dug through the pictures until I found the ones of me and Josh from many years prior.</p><p>“Yea, I don’t remember those.”</p><p>“I figured as much. The pictures are six years apart and it’s been two and a half years since the last one.”</p><p>“I’ll let you take one with me tonight to add to your collection, but for now, we have to go. I got donuts for you to eat on the way to the airport.”</p><p>“What should I wear?”</p><p>“Dress comfortably for the plane. Bring something sexy for the convert. I have a surprise for you.”</p><p>I threw on some stretchy jeans and a baggy shirt that I stole from Josh for the plane ride.</p><p>I dug through my closet and pulled out a black skater skirt and a sleeveless, red, button-up for the concert. I was just going to wear my back and white Converse for both. My pregnant ass was not about to wear heels.</p><p>I threw the concert outfit in my bag and left.</p><p>I definitely scarfed down way too many donuts on the way to the airport, but I didn’t feel sick for once.</p><p>The rest of the hours leading up to the concert were filled with the guys running around, setting up instruments, and doing a soundcheck.</p><p>Josh actually stopped talking at one point to save his voice.</p><p>I spent lunch and dinner talking to Ian, Matt, and Mike. I hadn’t spent a lot of time with them because they had their own lives.</p><p>I could tell that Josh hadn’t told them the news about our funny situation, so I tried to keep quiet about it.</p><p>Less than an hour before the concert, I was feeling jittery with excitement. I had already changed into my concert outfit.</p><p>Josh told me I could stand down in the pit off to the side or I could stand in the wings and watch from the side of the stage.</p><p>I chose to stand down in the pit so that Josh could look at me without being obvious.</p><p>The crowd poured in, and the concert started shortly thereafter.</p><p>I found myself jumping and screaming the lyrics alongside the crowd.</p><p>About halfway through the concert, Josh said, “I know this is a little unusual for us, but I want to bring someone on stage.”</p><p>The whole crowd started screaming because they thought he was going to pick someone, but I knew in my heart that he meant me.</p><p>I got some help getting up on stage. </p><p>Josh took my hand and led me to center stage. “This is Eleanor.”</p><p>I waved. What was his plan here?</p><p>“Eleanor is very special to me because,” he hesitated and looked at me, “She’s having my baby.”</p><p>I felt the color drain from my face and my body turned cold. He did not just do that in front of thousands of people.</p><p>The room was silent until one voice called out, “Is she your girlfriend, or what?”</p><p>We looked at each other. We never talked about this.</p><p>“Yes,” he pulled me close to him, “I brought her up here so I could sing this next song to her and our baby. According to Ellie, the baby can’t hear yet, but I still plan on singing to both of them anyway.”</p><p>Josh just called me his girlfriend and his baby mama on stage in front of thousands of people. I hadn’t even told my family and friends that I was pregnant yet. I didn’t know how to handle any of this.</p><p>Josh let me go and picked up his guitar.</p><p>I turned to look at the other guys. Their shocked faces told me that Josh hadn’t let them know about this little announcement. I mouthed, “I’m so sorry.”</p><p>Josh started strumming. I immediately recognized the song as Beside You.</p><p>I stood there awkwardly while Josh sang to me.</p><p>I loved what he was doing, but I wished it wasn’t in front of thousands of judgemental stares. I could only hope that the Marianas Trench fandom didn’t crucify me after this because I knew that it would end up online.</p><p>I wasn’t sure what Josh wanted me to do besides stand there.</p><p>The song ended, and the crowd cheered.</p><p>“I want to sing one more song before Ellie leaves the stage. This is the song she was singing and listening to when we officially met seven months ago.”</p><p>Shut Up and Kiss Me started, and my mood shifted a little. While I was still scared about what Josh just did, I couldn’t help but dance around the stage.</p><p>I walked up to Mike and danced around him for a second. As I crossed over to Matt, I blew Ian a kiss because he was behind the drums.</p><p>I stopped next to Josh and sang with him. He tried to get me to sing into the mic, but I refused.</p><p>When the song ended, I did as the song said and I kissed him before I left the stage.</p><p>This time, I chose to go stand in the wings because I didn’t want judgemental eyes to stare at me in the pit.</p><p>I had trouble enjoying the rest of the concert after Josh’s “surprise.”</p><p>All of those fans now had pictures and videos containing information that I wasn’t ready to be made public. </p><p>My family was going to find out about my pregnancy from the internet instead of me.</p><p>For the first time, I was genuinely angry with Josh.</p><p>I ended up sitting backstage until the concert ended.</p><p>I didn’t talk to Josh for the whole drive to the hotel, and I stood off to the side silently while he completed check-in. I continued my silence up to the room.</p><p>“Don’t think I haven’t noticed you giving me the silent treatment.”</p><p>I took my bag into the bathroom and locked the door. I wanted a shower, but mostly, I wanted to be away from Josh. I was so angry and hurt that I couldn’t even express it.</p><p>Even after my shower, I sat in the bathroom, enjoying the silence.</p><p>There was a knock at the door. “Ellie, can you come out here and tell me what’s wrong?”</p><p>While I got dressed, I looked at myself in the mirror. I had a tiny, little bump. It was barely noticeable, but because I knew my body so well, I could see it.</p><p>I finished getting dressed and walked out of the bathroom right past Josh.</p><p>“Eleanor, can you please tell me what’s wrong because I’m lost?”</p><p>I slammed my bag down on the bed. “You brought me in front of thousands of people and told them my personal information.”</p><p>“Eleanor-” I put my hand up partially to shut him up and partially to stop myself from crying.</p><p>“You made my pregnancy public knowledge without my permission.”</p><p>“Eleanor-”</p><p>“You gave thousands of people access to information about me that I haven’t even told my family yet.”</p><p>“Eleanor-”</p><p>I looked at Josh with tears streaming down my face. “My family is going to find out that I’m pregnant and that I cheated on Leanne from some online news source. You did all of this under the guise of some special surprise. You didn’t even tell the rest of the band what you were doing,” I started sobbing, “I am going to get crucified online tomorrow when thousands of people share their pictures and videos from the concert. You told the crowd that I’m your girlfriend, and we haven’t even talked about that yet.” Josh came over and tried to hug me. “Don’t fucking touch me!” He backed away quickly.</p><p>I moved my bag onto the floor and climbed into the bed with my back turned to Josh.</p><p>I turned my phone off and willed myself to fall asleep.</p><p>The next morning, Josh woke me up gently.</p><p>I quickly changed back into the airport outfit that I wore the previous day.</p><p>I turned my phone on and waited. It took a few seconds, but the notifications flooded in.</p><p>People were tagging me on Twitter and Instagram. I don’t even know how they got that information. I had many missed calls, texts, and voicemails from family and friends. They were all along the lines of, “Eleanor, what’s going on,” “Are you really pregnant,” and “What the fuck Eleanor?”</p><p> </p><p>I threw my phone into my bag. I couldn’t deal with the backlash at that moment. I just wanted to get home.</p><p>I still couldn’t face Josh. I was so angry with him that I could barely see straight.</p><p>When we finally got back home, I went into my apartment and locked the door.</p><p>I just needed time to be alone and do some damage control.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. Chapter 12</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Josh and I didn’t see each other after that fight.</p><p>I ended up recording a video of myself to post online and send to family members explaining the situation in full. Pretty much everybody was highly disappointed in me for the choices I made. Some family members, however, were excited for a new baby. The Marianas Trench fans were split on their feelings about me. I received a few hateful DMs, but I mostly got an overwhelming amount of love and support. A lot of fans were just happy to see Josh happy.</p><p>Fortunately, the main reason I hadn’t seen Josh wasn’t because of the fight, but because the band was working on some pretty strict deadlines trying to finish their album.</p><p>The tour was scheduled to start on March 6th. The has just over a week before they were to leave on tour, so they were rushing to get it finished and released.</p><p>As a result, Josh and I communicated exclusively through text, I had to remind him about the upcoming baby appointment so that he could schedule some time off.</p><p>The look on Josh’s face when I opened my apartment door was proof enough that we hadn’t seen each other in too long.</p><p>“You’ve grown!”</p><p>I chuckled and put a hand on my belly. “Not really. I’m only fifteen weeks. I’m barely showing at all.”</p><p>“Well, I can tell.”</p><p>“That’s what happens when you don’t see me for five weeks. I can just barely still fit in my normal clothes.”</p><p>We stood in awkward silence for several seconds.</p><p>“Ellie, I’m sorry about what happened at the concert. I was wrong and I should have asked for your permission.”</p><p>“Lucky for you, nothing too bad has happened, or I would be pissed. My whole family is disappointed in me. I’ve gotten a couple of death threats from deranged fans, but for the most part, Trenchers aren’t too bad. A lot of them just want you to be happy.”</p><p>He held his hand out, so I took it happily. “You make me happy. Our little bean makes me happy. I am happy.”</p><p>I stood up on my toes and kissed him. We were beginning to feel normal again.</p><p>“We should get going. You know how doctors run on ‘baby time’.” I laughed a little harder than I probably should have.</p><p>When we got to the doctor’s office, they were running a little early, so I got called back fairly quickly.</p><p>The ultrasound went smoothly, and the doctor came in to talk. “Everything is looking good and progressing as it should. It’s still a little too early to tell the gender, but we could do a blood test if you would like?”</p><p>I didn’t even seek Josh’s approval before jumping at the change. “Yes! I want to know what I’m having.”</p><p>“What if I don’t want to know?”</p><p>“Then, I won’t tell you, but I really want to know.”</p><p>“Okay, well don’t tell me. I want to be surprised.”</p><p>“Won’t the surprise be ruined when a ton of pink or blue items start filling up my apartment?”</p><p>“I’m leaving for the tour next week. If you can keep it a secret until then, I’ll never know.”</p><p>“Fine.”</p><p>A nurse came in and took some blood. “You should have your test results either Friday or Monday."</p><p>Before leaving, we made the next appointment for five weeks out. I would be twenty weeks at that point.</p><p>The days following were uneventful. The album got finished, so Josh was dealing with interviews and prepping for its release.</p><p>On March 1st, the album was finally released.</p><p>Naturally, I had to listen to it as early as possible.</p><p>I nearly cried - scratch that- I definitely cried when I saw that Eleanora was the opening song.</p><p>While listening through the album, I heard songs that I could closely relate to. Josh always said that he wrote from personal experience. Was I the personal experience this time?</p><p>Josh walked into my apartment just as I was finishing “The Killing Kind.”</p><p>“You’ve already listened to the whole album?”</p><p>I held up a hand and shushed him.</p><p>The final words of the album were “Eleanora stay.”</p><p>“I fucking love it.”</p><p>“Good.”</p><p>“You know how you always say that you write from personal experience?” He slowly nodded. “Was I the personal experience for this album?”</p><p>“Some songs. Not all of them are about you, conceited.”</p><p>“I thought that some of the songs hit a little too close to home.”</p><p>“You’re not mad, are you?”</p><p>“Of course not. I’m honored to be an inspiration for a Marianas Trench album.”</p><p>“Of course you would be.”</p><p>Just then, my phone rang. “Hello?”</p><p>“May I speak to Eleanor Wilson?”</p><p>“This is she.”</p><p>“I have the results of your blood test.”</p><p>“Everything looks great. Congratulations, you’re having a boy.”</p><p>I jumped up off the couch. “Thank you so much!”</p><p>“You’re welcome. Have a great day.”</p><p>“You too.” After hanging up, I screamed and jumped up and down.</p><p>“I know what the phone call was. Don’t you dare tell me.”</p><p>“I won’t.” He shot me a look. “I swear. I’m exclusively going to say ‘it’ so that I don’t accidentally say the right pronouns.”</p><p>“Good. I would be so pissed if you ruined it for me.”</p><p>“I won’t…Pops.” He rolled his eyes.</p><p>“Good. I’ve got to go. I came by to let you know that I’m slammed all day with interviews and shit.”</p><p>“Alright, I’ll see you later.”</p><p>I almost couldn’t believe it. I was going to have a son.</p>
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<a name="section0013"><h2>13. Chapter 13</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Huge trigger warning for this chapter. I can't list specifically what because then the chapter would be ruined. Just know there are multiple sensitive and difficult topics addressed in this chapter.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Josh tried to split his time up between seeing me and preparing for the tour. He wanted to see me as much as possible before leaving because we didn’t know for certain when he would be home. He didn’t even know if he would be able to make it home for the birth. That was still about twenty-five weeks out, but touring was so crazy that we didn’t know anything for sure. I hoped he would be able to make it home even if it was for that one day.</p><p>On March 3rd, I woke up feeling off. I wasn’t quite sure what was going on, but something just didn’t feel right. Still, I went through my day normally.</p><p>I graded assignments and listened to Phantoms while waiting for Josh to come over.</p><p>I was probably just feeling scared and nervous about Josh leaving. I was going to have to do the rest of my pregnancy alone. The thought terrified me.</p><p>I quickly sat up on the couch as I felt sharp, shooting pains in my stomach and abdomen. I knew that something was wrong, but I silently prayed that this was normal, really early Braxton-Hicks contractions or something.</p><p>Josh walked in just as I was getting up to go to the bathroom.</p><p>“What’s wrong with your face? Why do you look like that?”</p><p>“Something is wrong, but I don’t know what it is.”</p><p>I walked into the bathroom. As I pulled my pants down and sat on the toilet, I noticed blood in my underwear. I shook my head and started crying. “This can’t be happening.”</p><p>“Ellie?” He stopped in the doorway of the bathroom.</p><p>“Can you grab me a clean pair of underwear,” I asked through tears. “We have to go to the hospital.”</p><p>Josh went into my room and brought me back a clean pair of underwear. I changed quickly and put a pad on.</p><p>We didn’t speak on the way to the hospital. We were both so scared about what was happening. </p><p>After checking-in at the hospital, the triage nurse called me back within minutes. “What brings you in?”</p><p>She took my vitals as I spoke, “I’m almost sixteen weeks pregnant, and I’ve been experiencing sharp abdominal pains and bleeding.” </p><p>“Your blood pressure and heart rate are slightly elevated.”</p><p>“That’s probably because I’m scared and stressed.”</p><p>“Could be. Someone will call you back shortly.”</p><p>“Shortly” apparently meant something different to me. It was over an hour before someone called me back.</p><p>Once I was settled into a room, the nurse explained that she would be back to draw my blood, and someone else would be coming in to do an ultrasound shortly after.</p><p>At this point, I knew that “shortly” meant that I would be lying there for a while. I laid in that hospital bed panicking. Josh held my hand, but we still hadn’t spoken.</p><p>The nurse came back to draw my blood, but she was in and out in minutes.</p><p>Someone else finally came in and did the ultrasound, but he said nothing to us. He only said, “A doctor will be in shortly,” as he left.</p><p>Great, another person using the word “shortly.” It was beginning to have the opposite meaning for me.</p><p>When the doctor finally came in, I just wanted to be done with that stupid hospital.</p><p>“Hi, I’m Dr.-” She cut off mid-sentence.</p><p>I sat up and looked at her. Great. On possibly the worst day of my life, Leanne had to be my doctor.</p><p>Her face flashed through several emotions: anger, confusion, and finally, she settled on sadness. </p><p>She walked over to me as she read my chart. “I’m so sorry. There was no sign of life on the ultrasound. Your baby has no heartbeat.”</p><p>I started laughing hysterically. “No, what does it really say?”</p><p>“Eleanor, that’s what it says.”</p><p>“How about getting me a doctor who wouldn’t lie because she hates me?”</p><p>I watched as she looked up at Josh with pleading eyes.</p><p>Josh walked around in front of me, “Eleanor, I don’t think she’s lying. Why would she lie about something like this?”</p><p>“Because she’s spiteful and angry.”</p><p>“She’s also a doctor first and foremost.”</p><p>I looked back at Leanne. “I’m not lying. Sure, I’m still angry with you, but I would never joke about your child dying. I’m not a monster.”</p><p>I looked back and forth between Leanne and Josh. They both had somber faces. “So, if you’re not lying, that means-” my whole body went cold. “But, my doctor just said last week that everything is fine. My pregnancy is perfect.”</p><p>“Sometimes these things just happen. Sometimes the body rejects a fetus for no reason.”</p><p>“No,” I shook my head. “No, this can’t be happening.”</p><p>“It is happening, Eleanor. I’m really sorry, but we have to remove the tissue or you could get sick.”</p><p>I looked up at Josh who looked down at me sadly. “Eleanor, please let her do her job.”</p><p>“We’re going to have to move you upstairs because you do have to go through delivery even though the fetus is small.”</p><p>I went through the next few hours silent and numb. I barely listened to anything that was directed at me. I had practically checked out completely at that point.</p><p>I trusted whatever drugs they were giving me. I no longer fought against what was happening.</p><p>The contractions were enough to keep me grounded. The pain reminded me that there was once a living being inside of me that was now coming out too soon.</p><p>The labor lasted hours. I didn’t expect it to last so long. I was silent and zoned out during the majority of it.</p><p>Josh held my hand as I pushed. I looked up at him crying. “He was a boy. I wanted to name him Elliot.” He squeezed my hand tightly.</p><p>His back was to Leanne and the nurses. I couldn’t blame him for not wanting to watch me deliver our dead child.</p><p>Once he was delivered, I could see the hesitation on Leanne’s face about what to do next. “Do you want to hold him?”</p><p>I looked up at Josh. I could tell that he was in a lot of pain, but he was trying to hide it. I mean, of course, I wanted to hold him, but would it break Josh to see the tiny remains of our dead baby?</p><p>“Yes,” my voice broke, “I want to hold him.”</p><p>Despite his size, they still wrapped him in a single blanket. He barely fit in the palms of my hands. My heart shattered into a million pieces looking at him. He was barely recognizable as a human, but I knew that he was my son.</p><p>Josh hesitated, but he eventually looked down at us. I was surprised when Josh asked to hold him. His hands were so big that Elliot’s tiny body fit easily in one hand.</p><p>“Is there anything we can do to give him a funeral? I want to cremate him if we can.” I remembered a friend of mine who lost a baby, but he was a few months old. They got him cremated and put his ashes in necklaces so that he was always with them.</p><p>Leanne looked at me. “I know exactly what you’re thinking, and we can look into that for you. We can have his ashes sent to you.”</p><p>I looked at her. “Thank you.” We may have had a turbulent history, but this was something that allowed us to ignore that. Somewhere, deep down, we both still cared for each other. </p><p>After a few more hours, we were discharged. They took Elliot’s body because they wanted to run some tests to see what could have caused the miscarriage. I would get his ashes in a couple of weeks.</p><p>Josh had to help me get dressed. My body was so weak. I was told to expect some bleeding, so the hospital gave me disposable adult diapers. Just what I needed, humiliation to add to my distress.</p><p>I no longer had the energy to cry or be angry. I mostly felt numb on the drive home.</p><p>When we got back to my apartment, Josh tucked me into bed. He even took it upon himself to call the head of the English department to explain the situation. She said that she could give me the week off to grieve, but, unfortunately, there wasn’t enough coverage for the rest of the semester, so I would have to come back.</p><p>“Do you need me to do anything?”</p><p>I just laid in bed silently. The only thing I needed was for my son to not be dead.</p><p>“I never even got to feel him move. He was still too small to even feel him move yet.”</p><p>“Eleanor…”</p><p>“What did I do wrong? How could I have stopped this from happening? What did I do to deserve this?”</p><p>Josh sat on the edge of my bed. “Ellie, this just happens sometimes. You were doing everything right.”</p><p>“Then, why is our son dead?”</p><p>“I’m not a doctor. I can’t answer that. Shit happens.”</p><p>“Can you leave? I want to be alone.”</p><p>“I don’t think either of us should be alone right now.”</p><p>“Well, I want to be alone. Leave. Please.”</p><p>I felt him stand. “I’ll be across the hall if you need anything.” A few seconds later, the door closed with a soft click.</p><p>I didn’t move from my spot on the bed for the rest of the night.</p><p>I couldn’t even get up to eat or drink anything.</p><p>Honestly, I would have been fine with never moving again. I wanted to die. Maybe then I would get a chance to meet my son.</p><p>I slept off and on restlessly through the night.</p><p>I didn’t even bother to check my phone at all. I just wanted it to be over.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>If anybody were to look through my search history after this chapter, they would be very concerned for me. I did a lot of research about 16 week miscarriages for this chapter.</p>
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